The Power of Paying it Forward!

“Be the change you want to see in the world.” Ghandi

A speaker friend of mine has always maintained that ultimately everybody wants the same thing. We all want to feel good. I think he`s right. But imagine if everyone decided to get that feeling by giving it to others first. If you`ve ever been involved in a "random act of kindness" you`ll know exactly  what I mean. During an 8 month motorcycle road trip down the Pan American highway I was overwhelmed by the kindness and help I was given by total strangers, so whenever I had an opportunity I decided to pay it forward by helping out others I met on the road. It is a beautiful, simple but profound process. And you know what? It could change the world. Ghandi was right. One step at a time, one person at a time. It`s only a belief away. There will still be the cynics of course, but it`s already happening despite them. Here`s what Sandi Mann, a psychologist has to say:-

"My Facebook pal, Debbie, in America was at a drive-thru Starbucks the other day. Nothing unusual in that, but this time, when she put her order in, she was informed that the car in front of her had paid her bill. The car in front had 'paid it forward' - a concept that refers to the random acts of kindness whereby people do something nice for someone else in the hope that this good deed will be 'paid forward' and inspire the lucky recipient to carry out their own random acts of kindness to others.

Paying it forward is not a concept that has gathered huge momentum in the UK, but apparently is quite a big thing on the other side of the Pond. I think if some random stranger paid for my coffee here in Manchester, my reaction would be more suspicious than grateful; we in the UK, are simply not used to strangers performing arbitrary acts of kindness for us. Strangers in this country are not renowned for letting us cut in front of them when trying to make a right turn in rush hour, or stopping to let us cross the road (I once counted 34 cars pass me and my kids by before one kind soul slowed to let us cross)... buying us coffee? Not a chance!

But, imagine, if the Pay it Forward campaign caught on here. Imagine if we did buy people we don't even know, drinks, or complimented random strangers on the train on their clothes, or left encouraging post-it notes in library books, or put change in expired parking meters? Would it make our world a nicer place? Could we really spread happiness; would our random act of kindness really inspire others to 'pay it forward'?

According to a study by Stanford University psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky in 2005, students who carried out five random acts of kindness a week, reported higher levels of happiness than a control group. That I can understand; we feel good when we do good because we feel that we have made a positive contribution to society and we experience what psychologist call 'moral elevation'. But, can these good deeds really spread, and inspire recipients to perform their own acts of kindness?

Well, yes, apparently they can. According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology recently, even reading about acts of kindness can evoke this moral elevation, never mind being the actual recipient of these acts. And people who have moral elevation are more likely to perform good deeds themselves. This is because if we feel we are 'good', we do 'good' things in order to reinforce this view of our self.

Thus, if someone lets me out into the traffic during rush-hour, I am more likely to let the next car in. If someone does something nice for me, I am likely to do something nice for someone else. It's basic psychology. It also ensures that we obey the 'law of reciprocity', which is a very powerful psychological pull we experience when someone gives us something or does something for us; we yearn to return the favour somehow (which is why charities often send us free gifts like pens or stickers - they hope we will be unable to resist the yen to reciprocate their kindness). 

So, what are we all waiting for? We have the power to make the world a better place by one random act of kindness. The next time you are in the coffee shop picking up your latte on the way to work, why not pick up the tab for the customer behind you; you never know what it could lead to."

Source: Sandi Mann

http://payitforwardday.com/ April 25th 2013

"There's only one rule I know of ... you've got to be kind." -- Kurt Vonnegut

It doesn`t take much. Why not pay it forward?

Why failure is good!

Why is it that most people are merely making a living rather than designing a life? Why do so few people get close to fulfilling their potential? The vast majority lead a “settle for” existence – they would love to have a better quality of life, but they`ll settle for what they have got. So many people go to their graves with their songs never sung, their books never written, their mountains never climbed, their dreams never achieved. 

Why? Because of kakorrhaphiophobia. Commonly known as the Fear of Failure! 

Psychologists will tell you that this is the biggest single obstacle to success in adult life.  Why? Where do these fears come from? More importantly, what can we do about them? None of us were born with the fears we carry around with us today. Some fears are valuable, they are good, they help keep us alive, the rest are inappropriate and destructive, a product of negative conditioning.

 We were always told “be careful”, not “go and take lots of risks today!”– any fear, inhibition, worry or hang up we learnt along the way with the help of our parents, and teachers. Failure had consequences, which invariably meant punishment. And yet when we were very young, we failed constantly but were continually encouraged by parents to use these failures as stepping - stones to success.

 How many children do you know who walked at their first attempt? How many babies are born with basic literacy skills? The problem is, somewhere along the way we have learned that failure is a thing to be avoided. The fear of failure is so great in some people that they give up trying altogether.

These are the people who believe that the past equals the future; they try something new get their fingers burnt, and decide not to try again ever. The belief that they won`t succeed in the future because they failed in the past is irrational. It presupposes that no learning has taken place.

 If they have learned from their previous experience then they have succeeded; they have succeeded in learning something that will give them better results the next time!

 Remember, there is no such thing as failure, only feedback! 

Henry Ford once pointed out that failure is only an opportunity to begin again more intelligently. Just imagine how much your life could change if you adopted this paradigm. If you really believed that every bit of negative feedback you received was beneficial and productive, speeding you on your way to success, wouldn`t you double your efforts and welcome “failures”?

You`re not a failure if you don`t make it, you`re a success because you try.

It is important to remember that some of the greatest successes in history were also the greatest failures. Thomas Edison was the world`s greatest and most prolific inventor in history, and yet when he was attempting to invent what was to become the precursor of the electric light bulb, he failed nearly 10,000 times! After 5,000 attempts the leading scientific authorities of the day condemned him for wasting his time. They asked him why he continued after his obvious failures, he told them the truth – he hadn`t failed at all, he had successfully found 5,000 ways that did not work! Therefore, he was 5,000 ways closer to finding the answer!

 Babe Ruth was the greatest baseball player in history – he hit more home runs than anyone else and set a record that stood for nearly 30 yrs.! At the same time, he was also the worst baseball player in the world – he struck out more times than anyone else! In other words he succeeded more because he risked failure more than anyone else.

There will always be a risk involved, particularly when you are attempting something new, different or challenging. It is in embracing the challenge and taking the risk that personal growth takes place. Most people have a “comfort zone” mentality. They stay with what they know, whether they like it or not.

"Ships are safe in the harbour, but that`s not what ships were designed for"

To achieve our highest aspirations and become truly fulfilled we must be prepared to break out of the comfort zone. Pushing through the fear is less painful than living with the guilt, the discontent and the nagging question, “What if………..?” What could you achieve? What could you have? Where could you go? If you only tried. If you only believed in yourself. If you only felt the fear and did it anyway (See Susan Jeffers).

It is incredible that most people are sitting in the lay by of life watching the rest just drive past, they are waiting for the right time. Guess what? There is never a right time! Don`t wait for the fear to go away, it probably never will. Every time you face a new challenge, the fear will be there, staring you in the face. You`ll never get rid of the fear as long as you continue to grow, but it dissipates when you accept the challenge, and here`s the good news -  Everyone feels the same!

So whether your fear of failure relates to:- applying for a new job, speaking in public, talking to strangers, setting up your own business, etc. what can be done about it?

Here`s a strategy –

1.    Ask yourself, “If things don`t work out, what`s the worst thing that could happen?” Whatever scenario you come up with, move to point 2. 

2.    Let the next four words be your mantra, “I can deal with it!” Remember, the fear of failure is just a belief that you can`t deal with the consequences. Develop a trust in your ability to deal with whatever life throws at you. Because you can. You have infinite capacity. You haven`t begun to scratch the surface of your potential.

        What if I make a mistake and my boss shouts at me? “I can deal with it”.

What if I say the wrong thing and embarrass myself? “I can deal with it”.

What if I lose my job? “I can deal with it”. 

 It`s commonly held that 90% of the things we worry about never actually happen! Of the 10% that`s left , 5% is never as bad as we imagined, that leaves only 5% which is out of our control, and if it`s out of our control why worry? Whatever happens, “You can deal with it!”

3.    Once you have acknowledged that you`ll handle the outcome whatever happens, then turn your thoughts completely to a successful outcome. Focus on the outcome you want. It is important to remember that we are always drawn in the direction of our most dominant thoughts.

You get more of what you focus on.

Will Carling, the former English rugby captain, was once going through a bad patch when his form was suffering. The last thing the coach said as he ran onto the pitch was, “Don`t drop the ball!” Guess what happened? He fumbled it more times than he could remember. You must keep your focus on what you want, not what you don`t want.

Self expectancy is a self fulfilling prophecy.

4.    Listen to your self - talk. Psychologists tell us we spend 70% of our time talking to         ourselves. The point is, what are we saying? If we get negative feedback, this is what a loser says, “I knew it would go wrong, it always does. I`ll never be able to do this!” A winner`s self talk goes like this, “That`s not like me. Next time I`ll do better!” Remember, your worst enemy is the enemy within. The little voice that convinces you not to try in case you fail. Don`t listen to it! Keep chanting your mantra. It takes time and self discipline, but the results are worth it.

If you want to lead a richer, more fulfilling life, don`t do what the masses do. The majority of people are intent on avoiding failure, mistakes, pitfalls and obstacles so they can get safely in one piece to death!!

Don`t live with a comfort zone mentality. Step out, face the challenge and remember, whatever happens, you can deal with it! Go out and fail more!