"The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying" - Number 5

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier. 

"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again. 

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying. 


Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness."

Here are some interesting research on what makes us happy:-

Want to know how to be happy in life? Your genes and your upbringing have already done a lot of the work. But there's more to the story.

Is your happiness within your control? Is making the correct choices in life—choosing a spouse, a career, a lifestyle—the best way to be happy in life? Or is your level of happiness pretty much hardwired, a product of your genes and your childhood experience? We'd all like to know how to be happy in life, and there's more at stake than our psychological well-being. As positive psychology research has shown, happiness has an impact on our physical health, as well.

THE DETAILS: In the mid-’90s, social scientist Ed Diener, PhD, pointed to a mountain of research suggesting that people have a “set point” level of happiness that remains relatively stable throughout life, regardless of the events they experience or the choices they make. He cited the fact that most people’s characteristic level of happiness is only temporarily affected by life events. Whether someone wins the lottery or suffers a life-altering injury, within about a year, that person tends to revert back to his or her preexisting level of well-being. And identical twins raised by the same parents tend to be almost identical in how happy they are as adults, regardless of the choices they've made in life. When it comes to being a happy adult, genes and childhood experiences have a powerful influence. So, according to set point theory, the way to be happy in life is to pick your parents well, because it’s their genes and their parenting that ultimately predetermine how happy you’ll be throughout your life.

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But this is not the way we like to think of ourselves. We have freedom. We believe that our life choices affect how happy we will be. We choose jobs, spouses, and lifestyles believing that making wise choices will make us happier. In the years since Diener’s research, psychologists have found there are many choices we make that really do impact our happiness. While they acknowledge the impact of genes and personality, they have found the life choices we make account for about 40% of our happiness.

This understanding fits with my experience. Every day, I see how the choices my clients make have an impact on their long-term happiness. When they embrace a healthy lifestyle, including daily exercise, their energy and happiness skyrocket. When they make a career move that allows more quality time with family and friends, their life becomes more fulfilling.

The world’s largest study to date of the long-term effect of life choices on happiness highlights that we really do have the ability to make ourselves happier. The research, published last year in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Science, involved 60,000 Germans between the ages of 25 and 64 who were surveyed periodically between 1984 to 2008. The researchers found that many of the participants became significantly more or less happy with their lives over the course of the study period. Although the evidence was gathered in only one country, previous research has indicated that levels of happiness found in one developed country almost invariably replicate in others.

The researchers looked at what specific life choices had the greatest impact on long-term happiness. They found that choices regarding life goals, religion, marital partners, work, exercise, and social participation all relate to future happiness.

 Here’s how:

• People whose life goals focus on family and helping others tend to be happier than those whose priorities are primarily making money and career advancement.

• People whose spouses are emotionally healthy tend to be happier than those whose spouses are emotionally troubled.

• Respondents who work just about the number of hours a week they prefer, neither too many nor too few, tend to be happier than those who work too much or too little.

• People who go to church and exercise regularly tend to be happier than those who don’t.

• And finally, those with more social connections tend to be happier than those with fewer.

WHAT IT MEANS: OK, it’s empowering to know that the choices you make can substantially influence your long-term happiness. But beyond that, this research has implications for how we deal with sadness and depression. With rates of depression increasing dramatically in developing countries, there is a move toward seeing it as a chemical imbalance that should be treated with drugs. It’s important to realize that your mood is not only a product of biology and chemistry, and that life choices have a powerful impact on your mood and long-term happiness.

Here are some strategies to help you achieve long-term happiness.

• Marry well. If you haven’t yet tied the knot, take your time and make sure your partner is right for you. Studies show the best predictor of lasting marriages is the age at which the partners married. Those who wait a little longer are more likely to stay together. If your potential partner is troubled, don’t assume things will get better once you are married.

• Care for others. We all need to pay our bills, but if we focus too much on making money and getting ahead, we miss out on the joy of living. Caring for others, whether by doing volunteer and charity work, or being there when friends and family need your help, can be a great source of joy.

• Don’t overwork. Even if you have to work hard to make ends meet, give yourself a little time to smell the roses. Besides affecting your happiness, being a workaholic has an impact on your health.

• Exercise. Make regular aerobic exercise a part of your life. That includes not only planned exercise, such as walking, jogging, or hitting the gym, but also making sure you include some kind of physical activity in each day's routine.

• Go to church. The study didn’t separate religious beliefs from the benefits of spirituality and of being part of an organized group. But there does seem to be some connection between happiness and spiritual belief. Determine what nurtures your spiritual life, whether it's communing with nature, participating in religious rituals with a group, praying, meditating, or volunteering to help others.

• Socialize. Happy people have rich connections with friends and family. When you're going through tough times, having a social support network to lean on makes a big difference. Do what it takes to stay in touch with the people who are important to you.

Source: Jeffrey Rossman PhD

Life is too short -  choose happiness!

"The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying" - Number 4

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

"Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying."

If you were in the same situation today would you feel that regret too? I remember when I was at school a mentor of mine told me, "It`s important to cherish your friends they will always be there for you". I believed him then and I believe him now.

It`s often quoted that you can`t choose your family but you can choose your friends, and if you are very lucky (or deserving) you may have a handful of real friends. I`m not talking about acquaintances or "Facebook Friends" but people you would trust with your life. How many people do you know who would fit that category? The quality of your life can be measured by the quality of your relationships so it makes sense to devote some quality time to your friendships. The following article highlights just how critical these relationships can be:-

The Importance of Friendship

The causes of modern social problems, from divorce to homelessness and obesity, are often thought to be based in areas such as poverty, stress or unhappiness. But researchers suggest we are overlooking something crucial: friendship. It would appear that our society is ignoring its importance.

The philosopher Aristotle said, “In poverty and other misfortunes of life, true friends are a sure refuge. They keep the young out of mischief; they comfort and aid the old in their weakness, and they incite those in the prime of life to noble deeds.” Friendships are vital for wellbeing, but they take time to develop and can’t be artificially created. No wonder they are at risk of being neglected.

Nevertheless, the Gallup Organization’s director, Tom Rath, believes that we are all aware of the value of friendship especially during difficult times. In his book, Vital Friends: The People You Can’t Afford To Live Without, Rath makes the point that if you ask people why they became homeless, why their marriage failed or why they overeat, they often say it is because of the poor quality, or nonexistence, of friendships. They feel outcast or unloved.

Rath undertook a massive study of friendship, alongside several leading researchers. His work resulted in some surprising statistics: If your best friend eats healthily, you are five times more likely to have a healthy diet yourself. Married people say friendship is more than five times as important as physical intimacy within marriage. Those who say they have no real friends at work have only a one in 12 chance of feeling engaged in their job. Conversely, if you have a “best friend at work”, you are seven times more likely to feel engaged in your job.

The book was very well-received by the business world as well as by readers who could identify with the points made about these often unexplored relationships. On its release, Time magazine stated, “Let friendship ring. It might look like idle chatter, but when employees find friends at work, they feel connected to their jobs. Having a best friend at work is a strong predictor for being a happy and productive employee.”

The book recommends carrying out your own “friendship audit”, in order to recognize which of your friendships provide you with the different things you need, then to sharpen each friendship in line with its strength. Of course, it’s not always a good idea to judge friends in a detached way, or to doubt a friendship just because you can’t easily identify its rewards. The closest friends like each other for who they are in themselves, not for what they deliver. In fact, Aristotle made the point that it is better to give than to receive in friendship. Aristotle also believed that friendship can only arise indirectly, like happiness. It comes with living what he called a good life, including strong personal values such as honesty, character and passion. Our contemporary culture, for all its benefits, tends to focus more on commerce rather than to help us live Aristotle’s “good life”.

British writer Mark Vernon found support for this idea. He quotes the philosopher Epicurus, “The noble man is most involved with wisdom and friendship.” Oscar Wilde also emphasized the altruistic aspect of true friendship when he said, “Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend’s success.”

In his search for the essence of friendship, Vernon explored a variety of definitions from well-known personalities. For example, Ralph Emerson said, “A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere.” Vernon’s book, The Philosophy of Friendship, makes the point that we have now established that money does not buy happiness. He suggests that we take the lead from Aristotle, and spend at least a fifth of our time with our friends. “Is this not what children do in their persistent requests to play with their friends?” he asks.

Vernon writes that a close friend is a mirror of your own self, someone with whom you realize that, though autonomous, you are not alone. He adds that friendship is also important in politics because it “cultivates the virtues, such as creativity and compassion, which are essential to a flourishing society”. He concludes that if we cultivate friendship, we can “lift some of the burden from our apparently unhappy, isolated selves”.

Source: Jane Collingwood

What do you think? Do your friends enrich the quality of your life? Please leave a comment and let me know.

"The top 5 Regrets of the dying" - Number 3

Here is the third major regret recorded by Bronnie Ware  an Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives:-

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feeling

"Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."

Why is it that we angst so much about letting people know how we feel? The bitterness and resentment Ware is referring to is all self inflicted and ultimately so unnecessary. As you are reading this right now I`ll bet there is someone in your life you are not being truly honest with. You may be desperate to tell them how you are really feeling but are frightened of the consequences. In the meantime it is just eating you up. Imagine how you would feel, how liberating it would be to be living a  truly authentic life?

If you love someone, tell them. If you`re upset by someone, tell them. That doesn`t mean get angry or judgemental, it means expressing your feelings. Anger often develops over time when the real issue hasn`t been addressed and eventually you explode. You know the kind of big "clear the air" arguments many people feel are "good" things. My belief is that if we learned to communicate better and express how we really are feeling then we wouldn`t need"clear the air" arguments. What do you think?

The more we suppress our true feelings, the more damage we do to ourselves and our relationships. The following article reinforces this idea in a profound way:-

"If you do not bring forth what is within you, it will destroy you. But, if you bring forth what is within you, it will heal you "(from the Gospel of St. Thomas)

"All emotions can either be expressed or suppressed. When you express them constructively, they tend to lose their power over you, even if it's just talking about it, writing about it, or even banging a pillow on your bed and shouting about it! You are releasing the feelings, but without causing harm to anybody.

When you suppress your emotions, one of two things can happen:

• They can churn away inside of you building up till they burst out like the steam from a pressure cooker.

• Or they can turn on your body and show up as disease and illness.

There is plenty of research to suggest that holding onto negative emotions is at the root of many illnesses, which means that letting go of these emotions could have an amazing impact on our health.

Studies have shown that people who have what's called 'non-verbal type 2 personalities', i.e. shy and non assertive, have a greater prevalence of tumours than other personality types - because shyness is associated with the suppressing of emotions, particularly negative ones, like anger and resentment.

Reverend Michael Barry, PhD, of The Cancer Treatment Centers of America, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, showed that almost two-thirds of cancer patients identified forgiveness as a personal issue for them, and that 1 in 3 of them had severe forgiveness issues. They were holding onto their resentment and their anger, their bitterness, and it was literally eating away at them. 

I'm not saying that's true for everyone who has cancer, but it is certainly something to consider.

In his book,' How Your Mind can Heal Your Body', David Hamilton talks about the 'Hard Marriage Hard Heart' study in Utah in 2006. The study found that couples who were supportive and caring towards each other had healthier hearts and arteries than those who were hostile and unforgiving towards each other.

I know many people have a big issue with the word forgiveness, but I see forgiveness as the same thing as letting go. Some people see forgiving as 'giving', giving something to the person who has wronged them so 'letting go' instead may be a different thing for them entirely. You don't have to 'give' anything to anyone then - unless it's to yourself.

So just think about it - letting go of emotions that we've suppressed could be a major prevention of cancer - which is very significant when you learn that 24% of deaths in the UK and 23% in the US are caused by cancer.

I have a favourite quote:

"Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies" (Unknown),

By holding onto resentment and anger - and if they're suppressed, you really are holding onto them - you are, literally, poisoning yourselves, because these negative emotions release cortisol and adrenalin. Cortisol and adrenalin are hormones, which, in excess, can lead to all sorts of illnesses and potentially damaging changes in your body, like a depressed immune system: Have you noticed how certain conditions flare up in you when you're stressed, or run down, and you get a cold, or your psoriasis, eczema, irritable bowel, or back pain flares up? I used to get really bad mouth ulcers when I was stressed - I don't any more!

You can even put on weight, because cortisol can lower your metabolic rate - and lead to more fat deposits around your waist.

There are other health risks too: You could also suffer forgetfulness; have difficulties in learning new things; have a reduction in bone density so your bones can become brittle..

..Surely it's time for us to let go of these emotions, express them, and let them out in a constructive and non-harmful way because the implications for your own health and for the health of the whole world, especially the developed world, are staggering!"

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/6538163 Laura Jordan

I know that traditionally it has been O.K. for women to be more "emotional" and men have been conditioned to bottle things up and not let their emotions show, but I believe things are changing and more and more men are allowing themselves the freedom to express their feelings. What do you think? Any comments welcome.


Here`s a man expressing his feelings!

"The 5 Regrets of the Dying" - Number 2

"I wish I didn`t work so hard"

Here is the second major regret recorded by Bronnie Ware  an Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives:-

"This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence. 

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle." 

The question we need to answer is, are we also on the "treadmill of a work existence"? The sad truth is that most people are. Many people I meet are stuck in a rut, doing a job they don`t like with people they don`t care about while all the time wishing they could be doing something else. The old saying still holds true - no one on their death bed ever says, "I wish I`d spent more time at the office."

Don`t we owe it to ourselves to step back occasionally and re-evaluate what we are doing and why we are doing it? Of course it`s not easy, nobody said it was. It`s not about doing what is easy - it`s about doing what`s important. Why not take the time out to sit down and write down your top 5 values. What are the 5 things you value the most in life? What do you stand for? What do you believe in? What would you fight for and maybe die for? 

Those are your core values and as such are fundamental to your motivation in life. We do or don`t do things based upon what is important to us. Most people have never asked themselves what drives them, what`s really important to them. The truth is, you can never truly be happy with who you are or what you do if you are not living a life in alignment with your true values. Those who bitterly regretted working so hard did so because they felt what they were doing was essentially pointless. 

Are you engaged in something that you fundamentally love, that gives you meaning and purpose in life? If not, is it worth considering what really is important to you and pursuing that regardless of what people might think? Many successful people were laughed at and criticised at the beginning.....