"The 10 Pillars of Wisdom" - (or what your mother should have told you!)

1.                 “YOU WILL RECEIVE A BODY”

You may like it, you may hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around. So many people are dissatisfied with their bodies, particularly young people. 

Recommendation:- Learn to like it! Look after it! It is difficult to have a healthy self esteem, if you don`t like yourself. Good self esteem and a strong positive self image are essential to long term success and happiness.

2.                 “YOU WILL LEARN LESSONS”

You are enrolled in a full time informal school called life. Each day in this school , you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid. (You may not even realise that they are lessons at all! – and if so, you won`t learn from them. Have you ever noticed how certain things happen to certain people?

Every time someone abuses you, each time you blow a sale, or your girlfriend/boyfriend dumps you, there was a lesson staring you in the face. If you find yourself being miserable most of the time, it`s likely you`ve missed a lesson somewhere along the line.

We are not here to be punished  -  we are here to be educated!

Everything that happens to us has the potential to transform us.

ACT AS IF EVERY EVENT HAS A PURPOSE AND YOUR LIFE WILL HAVE A PURPOSE.

3.                 “A LESSON IS REPEATED UNTIL LEARNED”

A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When we fail to learn a lesson, we get to take it again and again! Once we have learned a lesson we move on to the next one. We reach points in our lives when we are ready for new information (it`s called maturity!) Until then, something could be staring us in the face and we don`t recognise it. So life provides us with gentle reminders and if we don`t respond, it gives us a nudge, and then a slap at the back of the head!

“Growth is most painful when we resist it!”

Because most people fear change, they don`t change until they have to:-

They exercise and diet – after the coronary

They study at school and begin to work hard – when they`re about to fail

They start to deliver excellent customer service – when the customers are leaving

They work on the marriage – when the relationship is falling apart

Winners recognise the lessons earlier – losers ignore the warning signs.

And when we are forced to learn the lesson, what do we often find - 

“That`s the best thing that ever happened to me!”

4.                 “THERE ARE NO MISTAKES, ONLY LESSONS”

There is no failure, only feedback! Growth is a process of trial and error and experimentation. The “failed” experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately “works”. 

We often celebrate our successes – but we don`t learn too much. Negative feedback is a powerful teacher. When did we get the most negative feedback? As kids! Everything was a steep learning curve. Did we think of it as failure? No! So when did we suddenly get the idea that failure was wrong?

5.                 “LEARNING DOES NOT END”

There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive there are lessons to be learned, which is bad news for those people who thought that learning stopped when they left school/university! Does life get simpler? No! But you can learn to handle it better. We know that we have to keep retaking lessons until we have learned them, but the other inference of this pillar of wisdom is, we should proactively learn. The future belongs to those who keep learning. What have you learned recently?  What new skills have you acquired?

6.                 “THERE", IS NO BETTER THAN “HERE”

When your “there” has become a “here”, you will simply obtain another “there” that will again look better than “here”. Otherwise known as “the greener grass syndrome”. Learn to love what you do – cut out jealousy and envy of others. If you want to be “there” instead of “here” because you are surrounded by problems “here”, don`t be surprised if when you get “there”, you find the same set of problems you had when you were “here”!(because you probably took them with you). Remember, you create your own environment.

7.                 “OTHERS ARE MERELY MIRRORS OF YOU”

You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself. Lesson no. 1. Start learning to love yourself. One of the most important gifts you can give anyone is the gift of self esteem – helping people feel good about themselves. What about your own self esteem? What kind of self image have you designed? Some people are well balanced – They have a chip on both shoulders! 

8.                 “WHAT YOU MAKE OF YOUR LIFE IS UP TO YOU”

You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours. Life is all about choices:-

“The entirety of one`s adult life is a series of personal choices, decisions. If we can accept this totally, then we become free people. To the extent to which we do not accept this we will forever feel victims”  -  The Road Less Travelled (M. Scott Peck)

 When you ask people what they want out of life they say happiness, guess what - Happiness is a choice!  It`s all in your attitude. You choose your attitude. The facts don`t count. The fact that it rains has nothing to do with how you feel – unless you let it!

The fact that someone cuts you up on the motorway doesn`t bother you unless you let it!

The fact that you didn`t get a job doesn`t mean that you are a loser unless you think that!

"Men are disturbed, not by the things that happen to them, but rather by their opinion of the things that happen" - EPICTETUS.

9.                 “YOUR ANSWERS LIE INSIDE YOU”

All the world`s great philosophers, teachers, leaders and wise men since the beginning of recorded time Confucius, Lao Tzu, Jesus, Buddha are agreed in one thing -

The answers to life`s questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen and trust. They hadn`t got the benefit of modern neuro science, they had no knowledge of the power of the subconscious. We can now explain  some of what they knew instinctively. They just knew that when people meditated they got insights, answers, truths. We know that the bio computer is capable of solving virtually any problem that you pose it. Many of the world`s greatest discoveries have come as flashes of inspiration after a period of concentrated  thought/meditation or even sleep ( Study MOZART, McCARTNEY, EDISON to see how this phenomenon operates)

Plant the seed, wait, listen and trust!

10.     “YOU WILL FORGET ALL THIS”

(Adapted from Cherie Scott Carter)

For some powerful, positive affirmations  check out this video:-

"Slaying the Dragon" - Dealing with Low Self Esteem

This is possibly the most potent and destructive limiting belief of them all. I believe that having low self esteem is at the root of many of our social problems.  If you don`t feel good about yourself; If you don`t value yourself; if you don`t feel you are a worthy person, it becomes very difficult to give those gifts to other people. I believe one of the most valuable things you can give to someone else is the gift of raising their self esteem. Certainly as a parent, there can be no finer gift you can give to your child than that of a healthy self esteem. It is far more important than any amount of material possessions. In today`s have-it-all, instant gratification society, it seems all too easy for many parents to substitute the tangible for the intangible.

 We live in an age of unprecedented wealth and opportunity. The media is constantly encouraging us to lavish the latest “stuff” on our children. The message being that if we don`t, we are not being good parents, we don`t love our children enough! A family I know very well has a son who said to them whilst on holiday in America, “If you really loved me you`d buy me this watch”. (He already owned five at home which he rarely wore!) The creation of a healthy self esteem is a product of the right environment and a loving relationship, not an unlimited bank account!

Why is it important?

The danger of low self esteem can be seen in many of society`s misfits. Remember when you were in school. Wasn`t there always a classroom bully? Did anyone actually like this person? The answer was invariably no. Many people pretended to be their friends in order to escape being bullied themselves. Bullies, thugs and loudmouths were, and still are, universally unpopular. So why would they behave in such a way?

They do it because being the way they are gives them a feeling of significance and at a deep level everyone needs to feel significant. Some achieve this through academia, by being the straight “A” student. Others get that feeling by excelling at sport while still others make people laugh. The reality is that none of this actually works unless it is built on a healthy foundation. For many people, it is merely papering over the cracks. Why else would many celebrity superstars press the self destruct button when they appear to have it all?  

In the U.S.A back in the 1930s, the public enemy number one was a gangster called John Dillinger. When the law finally caught up with him and he was cornered, his last act of defiance was to break into a house, put a gun to the heads of the occupants and scream,

“Do you know who I am??”

 When they failed to answer through sheer terror, he said,

“I`m John Dillinger … and don`t you forget it!”

 Even to the very end he still had the need to feel significant. When you are empty inside, carrying a weapon gives you an instant feeling of significance. Being quick with a cutting put down or a biting sarcastic quip gives you an instant feeling of significance. The only problem is, you can never raise your self esteem by damaging someone else’s. The people who truly feel good about themselves have no need to prove anything.

 Have you ever been involved in a group discussion were people have been vying to have their point of view heard and accepted? Where there was clearly an argument to be “won”?

 If you have the facts, and you know the person holding court hasn`t, isn`t it tempting to boost your ego and score some public points at their expense? The fact is, you don`t make yourself bigger by making others smaller. If you feel the need to win arguments and win fights to make you feel good, then there is clearly something missing.

“Why can`t you be smart like your brother?”

So if self esteem is so important, where exactly does it come from?  How you feel about yourself to a very large degree stems from how others feel about you.  You were first exposed to the notion of self esteem when you were a child.  You didn`t know it at the time, but it became clear that for you to feel good, other people were involved.  How you felt about yourself was largely determined by how your parents thought about you and more importantly, how they communicated that feeling to you. After all, what did you know about you, about life, about anything?

 Everything you knew for certain was taught to you by your parents or guardians. You had no history, no reference points, no understanding of logic. If you were told something, you just believed it as the truth. Imagine growing up listening to this,

“You are such a clumsy boy! Can`t you do anything right?”

“Why can`t you be like your brother. He is always a good boy!”

“You are such a stupid girl. You just don`t listen!”

If you were to listen to that on a regular basis, how do you think you would feel? Good about yourself? Or would you feel that you were obviously stupid or clumsy? To many people, those comments might seem fairly innocuous; just a slip of the tongue that anyone might be guilty of. After all, we are all human. Unfortunately, it is because we are human that these things happen. We often don`t think about what we are saying and very few of us consider the consequences of those words. The result is that those kind of poisonous programmes are planted at an early age and proceed to do their damage during those critical formative years.

It is said that by the time the average child reaches the age of 18 yrs. old they have heard the words, “No!” and “You can`t!” 148,000 times! Their personal belief systems about what they can and cannot do are well and truly programmed.

There was one little girl who grew up thinking her name was “Laura Dammit” because her parents had used that expression so many times when chastising her! You may remember the model and actress Paula Hamilton who became famous for advertising the Volkswagen Golf some years ago. Here was a stunningly beautiful woman who was successful and wealthy and sabotaged her success and her life by becoming addicted to drink and drugs. She once told an interviewer that she knew by the age of 4 yrs. old she would fail. What kind of childhood would create such a self fulfilling prophecy?

  If you add on to that negative programming further put downs about their behaviours and capabilities, it becomes clear why the average teenager has a well developed sense of inferiority and low self esteem. It is from then onwards that they try to compensate and attempt to achieve significance in the world through other means.

Heroes recognise where real self esteem comes from. They recognise that until you feel good about yourself for who you are, not what you have done, you cannot build real self esteem in others. Once you have slain the dragon of low self esteem, you will feel liberated and be on a quest to free others.

Think of your circle of influence? Who do you know who could benefit from a self esteem boost today? For something so small, it can have a tremendous impact.  

“It was nothing!”

An ex girlfriend of mine was shopping (one of her favourite hobbies!) and as she went to the check - out to pay, the person at the till commented upon her dress saying how great it looked. You would be amazed at what an impact that had!

An unsolicited compliment from a complete stranger. Wow! It somehow has more potency than a compliment from a good friend. After all, this person had nothing to gain from what she said. She just gave a gift to a stranger. Has that ever happened to you? Isn`t it remarkable how it makes you feel? By the way, my partner responded in the only way you should respond to a compliment, by saying “thank you”. Have you noticed that the most common response tends to be something like,

“It was nothing”

“You shouldn`t have”

“Oh, this…it`s just something I threw on!”

“Don`t mention it”

All of which are lies! If you have worked hard cooking a lovely meal for someone and they compliment you on it and you respond with a “don`t mention it”. The next time maybe they won`t! It seems to be an all too common trait of being unable to accept a well meaning compliment. If your self esteem is good enough, you accept it with thanks. 

Self Esteem Building Tips –

1.     Build your self esteem by compiling a “success log”. This is a really powerful exercise. Start by writing down everything you have ever done that you were proud of. It is important to log everything! Go back as far as you can remember. When I began compiling my “success log” I even included my cycling proficiency badge! To many people it would seem trivial, but remember, this isn`t for anyone else, this is for you! You will be amazed at how long a list you can create. Once you have started, it will keep on growing as you add to it on a regular basis. Whenever you feel the need for a self esteem boost, just look at your “Success log” to remind yourself just how good you really are!

2.     Get into the habit of regular “self praise”. Whenever you do anything well, give yourself a mental pat on the back. Don`t wait for others to do it for you.

3.     Remember to feed yourself with regular positive self talk, especially when the dragon of self doubt rears his ugly head.

4.     Learn to accept compliments

5.     Learn to give more compliments

6.     Look after yourself. It`s hard to have healthy self esteem if you look and feel unkempt and unfit.

7.     Spend as much time as possible around good, positive people.

8.     Read books that will inspire and motivate you.

Source: "Natural Born Heroes" - Brian Gibbons

Key Quote

"Nothing builds self-esteem and self-confidence like accomplishment"  - Thomas Carlyle 

If laughter is the best medicine, why wait!