This is possibly the most potent and destructive limiting belief of
them all. I believe that having low self esteem is at the root of many of our
social problems. If you don`t feel good
about yourself; If you don`t value yourself; if you don`t feel you are a worthy
person, it becomes very difficult to give those gifts to other people. I
believe one of the most valuable things you can give to someone else is the
gift of raising their self esteem. Certainly as a parent, there can be no finer
gift you can give to your child than that of a healthy self esteem. It is far
more important than any amount of material possessions. In today`s have-it-all,
instant gratification society, it seems all too easy for many parents to substitute
the tangible for the intangible.
We live in an age
of unprecedented wealth and opportunity. The media is constantly encouraging us
to lavish the latest “stuff” on our children. The message being that if we
don`t, we are not being good parents, we don`t love our children enough! A
family I know very well has a son who said to them whilst on holiday in America , “If
you really loved me you`d buy me this watch”. (He already owned five at home
which he rarely wore!) The creation of a healthy self esteem is a product of
the right environment and a loving relationship, not an unlimited bank account!
Why is it
important?
The danger of low self esteem can be seen in many of
society`s misfits. Remember when you were in school. Wasn`t there always a
classroom bully? Did anyone actually like this person? The answer was
invariably no. Many people pretended to be their friends in order to escape
being bullied themselves. Bullies, thugs and loudmouths were, and still are,
universally unpopular. So why would they behave in such a way?
They do it because being the way they are gives them a
feeling of significance and at a deep level everyone needs to feel significant.
Some achieve this through academia, by being the straight “A” student. Others
get that feeling by excelling at sport while still others make people laugh. The
reality is that none of this actually works unless it is built on a healthy
foundation. For many people, it is merely papering over the cracks. Why else
would many celebrity superstars press the self destruct button when they appear
to have it all?
In the U.S.A back in the 1930s, the public enemy number
one was a gangster called John Dillinger. When the law finally caught up with
him and he was cornered, his last act of defiance was to break into a house,
put a gun to the heads of the occupants and scream,
“Do you know who I am??”
When they failed to
answer through sheer terror, he said,
“I`m John Dillinger … and don`t you forget it!”
Even to the very
end he still had the need to feel significant. When you are empty inside,
carrying a weapon gives you an instant feeling of significance. Being quick
with a cutting put down or a biting sarcastic quip gives you an instant feeling
of significance. The only problem is, you can never raise your self esteem by
damaging someone else’s. The people who truly feel good about themselves have
no need to prove anything.
Have you ever been
involved in a group discussion were people have been vying to have their point
of view heard and accepted? Where there was clearly an argument to be “won”?
If you have the
facts, and you know the person holding court hasn`t, isn`t it tempting to boost
your ego and score some public points at their expense? The fact is, you don`t make yourself bigger by making
others smaller. If you feel the need to win arguments and win fights to
make you feel good, then there is clearly something missing.
“Why can`t you be
smart like your brother?”
So if self esteem is so important, where exactly does it
come from? How you feel about yourself
to a very large degree stems from how others feel about you. You were first exposed to the notion of self
esteem when you were a child. You didn`t
know it at the time, but it became clear that for you to feel good, other
people were involved. How you felt about
yourself was largely determined by how your parents thought about you and more
importantly, how they communicated that feeling to you. After all, what did you
know about you, about life, about anything?
Everything you knew
for certain was taught to you by your parents or guardians. You had no
history, no reference points, no understanding of logic. If you were told something,
you just believed it as the truth. Imagine growing up listening to this,
“You are such a clumsy boy! Can`t you do anything right?”
“Why can`t you be like your brother. He is always a good
boy!”
“You are such a stupid girl. You just don`t listen!”
If you were to listen to that on a regular basis, how do
you think you would feel? Good about yourself? Or would you feel that you were
obviously stupid or clumsy? To many people, those comments might seem fairly
innocuous; just a slip of the tongue that anyone might be guilty of. After all,
we are all human. Unfortunately, it is because we are human that these things
happen. We often don`t think about what we are saying and very few of us consider
the consequences of those words. The result is that those kind of poisonous
programmes are planted at an early age and proceed to do their damage during
those critical formative years.
It is said that by the time the average child reaches the
age of 18 yrs. old they have heard the words, “No!” and “You can`t!” 148,000
times! Their personal belief systems about what they can and cannot do are well
and truly programmed.
There was one little girl who grew up thinking her name
was “Laura Dammit” because her parents had used that expression so many times
when chastising her! You may remember the model and actress Paula Hamilton who
became famous for advertising the Volkswagen Golf some years ago. Here was a
stunningly beautiful woman who was successful and wealthy and sabotaged her
success and her life by becoming addicted to drink and drugs. She once told an
interviewer that she knew by the age of 4 yrs. old she would fail. What kind of
childhood would create such a self fulfilling prophecy?
If you add on to that negative programming
further put downs about their behaviours and capabilities, it becomes clear why
the average teenager has a well developed sense of inferiority and low self
esteem. It is from then onwards that they try to compensate and attempt to
achieve significance in the world through other means.
Heroes recognise where real self esteem comes from. They
recognise that until you feel good about yourself for who you are, not what you
have done, you cannot build real self esteem in others. Once you have slain the
dragon of low self esteem, you will feel liberated and be on a quest to free
others.
Think of your circle of influence? Who do you know who
could benefit from a self esteem boost today? For something so small, it can
have a tremendous impact.
“It was nothing!”
An ex girlfriend of mine was shopping (one of her
favourite hobbies!) and as she went to the check - out to pay, the person at
the till commented upon her dress saying how great it looked. You would be
amazed at what an impact that had!
An unsolicited compliment from a complete stranger. Wow!
It somehow has more potency than a compliment from a good friend. After all,
this person had nothing to gain from what she said. She just gave a gift to a
stranger. Has that ever happened to you? Isn`t it remarkable how it makes you
feel? By the way, my partner responded in the only way you should respond to a
compliment, by saying “thank you”. Have you noticed that the most common
response tends to be something like,
“It was nothing”
“You shouldn`t have”
“Oh, this…it`s just something I threw on!”
“Don`t mention it”
All of which are lies! If you have worked hard cooking a
lovely meal for someone and they compliment you on it and you respond with a
“don`t mention it”. The next time maybe they won`t! It seems to be an all too
common trait of being unable to accept a well meaning compliment. If your self
esteem is good enough, you accept it with thanks.
Self Esteem Building Tips
–
1.
Build your self esteem by compiling a “success log”.
This is a really powerful exercise. Start by writing down everything you have
ever done that you were proud of. It is important to log everything! Go back as
far as you can remember. When I began compiling my “success log” I even
included my cycling proficiency badge! To many people it would seem trivial,
but remember, this isn`t for anyone else, this is for you! You will be amazed at how long a list you can create. Once you
have started, it will keep on growing as you add to it on a regular basis.
Whenever you feel the need for a self esteem boost, just look at your “Success
log” to remind yourself just how good you really are!
2.
Get into the habit of regular “self praise”. Whenever
you do anything well, give yourself a mental pat on the back. Don`t wait for
others to do it for you.
3.
Remember to feed yourself with regular positive self
talk, especially when the dragon of self doubt rears his ugly head.
4.
Learn to accept compliments
5.
Learn to give more compliments
6.
Look after yourself. It`s hard to have healthy self
esteem if you look and feel unkempt and unfit.
7.
Spend as much time as possible around good, positive
people.
8.
Read books that will inspire and motivate you.
Source: "Natural Born Heroes" - Brian Gibbons
Key Quote
If laughter is the best medicine, why wait!
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