If you`ve ever wondered what it really takes to be happy and fulfilled or how come you keep getting involved in relationships or jobs that just don`t work. Here`s the answer. According to Tony Robbins there are 6 fundamental needs that human beings need to satisfy in order to be happy and content:-
It might be worth considering how each of these needs is currently being met in key areas of your life. Look at your relationship. It is impossible to be happy if a significant number of the above needs are not being satisfied. How about your job? If you are not truly happy in your present position, could it be related to these needs being unmet?
(Ignore any reference to Lance Armstrong - nobody`s perfect!)
So now you know why you do what you do - what are you going to do about it?
“Be the change you want to see in the world.” Ghandi
A speaker friend of mine has always maintained that ultimately everybody wants the same thing. We all want to feel good. I think he`s right. But imagine if everyone decided to get that feeling by giving it to others first. If you`ve ever been involved in a "random act of kindness" you`ll know exactly what I mean. During an 8 month motorcycle road trip down the Pan American highway I was overwhelmed by the kindness and help I was given by total strangers, so whenever I had an opportunity I decided to pay it forward by helping out others I met on the road. It is a beautiful, simple but profound process. And you know what? It could change the world. Ghandi was right. One step at a time, one person at a time. It`s only a belief away. There will still be the cynics of course, but it`s already happening despite them. Here`s what Sandi Mann, a psychologist has to say:-
"My Facebook pal, Debbie, in America was at a drive-thru Starbucks the other day. Nothing unusual in that, but this time, when she put her order in, she was informed that the car in front of her had paid her bill. The car in front had 'paid it forward' - a concept that refers to the random acts of kindness whereby people do something nice for someone else in the hope that this good deed will be 'paid forward' and inspire the lucky recipient to carry out their own random acts of kindness to others.
Paying it forward is not a concept that has gathered huge momentum in the UK, but apparently is quite a big thing on the other side of the Pond. I think if some random stranger paid for my coffee here in Manchester, my reaction would be more suspicious than grateful; we in the UK, are simply not used to strangers performing arbitrary acts of kindness for us. Strangers in this country are not renowned for letting us cut in front of them when trying to make a right turn in rush hour, or stopping to let us cross the road (I once counted 34 cars pass me and my kids by before one kind soul slowed to let us cross)... buying us coffee? Not a chance!
But, imagine, if the Pay it Forward campaign caught on here. Imagine if we did buy people we don't even know, drinks, or complimented random strangers on the train on their clothes, or left encouraging post-it notes in library books, or put change in expired parking meters? Would it make our world a nicer place? Could we really spread happiness; would our random act of kindness really inspire others to 'pay it forward'?
According to a study by Stanford University psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky in 2005, students who carried out five random acts of kindness a week, reported higher levels of happiness than a control group. That I can understand; we feel good when we do good because we feel that we have made a positive contribution to society and we experience what psychologist call 'moral elevation'. But, can these good deeds really spread, and inspire recipients to perform their own acts of kindness?
Well, yes, apparently they can. According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology recently, even reading about acts of kindness can evoke this moral elevation, never mind being the actual recipient of these acts. And people who have moral elevation are more likely to perform good deeds themselves. This is because if we feel we are 'good', we do 'good' things in order to reinforce this view of our self.
Thus, if someone lets me out into the traffic during rush-hour, I am more likely to let the next car in. If someone does something nice for me, I am likely to do something nice for someone else. It's basic psychology. It also ensures that we obey the 'law of reciprocity', which is a very powerful psychological pull we experience when someone gives us something or does something for us; we yearn to return the favour somehow (which is why charities often send us free gifts like pens or stickers - they hope we will be unable to resist the yen to reciprocate their kindness).
So, what are we all waiting for? We have the power to make the world a better place by one random act of kindness. The next time you are in the coffee shop picking up your latte on the way to work, why not pick up the tab for the customer behind you; you never know what it could lead to."
Source: Sandi Mann
http://payitforwardday.com/ April 25th 2013
"There's only one rule I know of ... you've got to be kind." -- Kurt Vonnegut
Why is
it that most people are merely making a living rather than designing a life?
Why do so few people get close to fulfilling their potential? The vast majority
lead a “settle for” existence – they would love to have a better quality of
life, but they`ll settle for what they have got. So many people go to their
graves with their songs never sung, their books never written, their mountains never climbed, their dreams never achieved.
Why? Because of kakorrhaphiophobia. Commonly known as the Fear of Failure!
Psychologists will tell
you that this is the biggest single obstacle to success in adult life. Why? Where
do these fears come from? More importantly, what can we do about them? None of
us were born with the fears we carry around with us today. Some fears are
valuable, they are good, they help keep us alive, the rest are inappropriate
and destructive, a product of negative conditioning.
We were always told “be
careful”, not “go and take lots of risks today!”– any fear, inhibition, worry or hang up we learnt along the way with the help of our parents, and teachers. Failure had consequences, which invariably meant punishment. And yet when
we were very young, we failed constantly but were continually encouraged by
parents to use these failures as stepping - stones to success.
How many
children do you know who walked at their first attempt? How many babies are
born with basic literacy skills? The problem is, somewhere along the way we
have learned that failure is a thing to be avoided. The fear of failure is so
great in some people that they give up trying altogether.
These
are the people who believe that the past equals the future; they try something
new get their fingers burnt, and decide not to try again ever. The belief that they won`t succeed in the future because they failed in the past is irrational. It presupposes that no learning has taken
place.
If they have learned from their previous experience then they have
succeeded; they have succeeded in learning something that will give them better
results the next time!
Remember, there
is no such thing as failure, only feedback!
Henry Ford once pointed out
that failure is only an opportunity to begin again more intelligently. Just
imagine how much your life could change if you adopted this paradigm. If you
really believed that every bit of negative feedback you received was beneficial
and productive, speeding you on your way to success, wouldn`t you double your
efforts and welcome “failures”?
You`re not a
failure if you don`t make it, you`re a success because you try.
It is
important to remember that some of the greatest successes in history were also
the greatest failures. Thomas Edison was the world`s greatest and most
prolific inventor in history, and yet when he was attempting to invent what was
to become the precursor of the electric light bulb, he failed nearly 10,000
times! After 5,000 attempts the leading scientific authorities of the day
condemned him for wasting his time. They asked him why he continued after his
obvious failures, he told them the truth – he hadn`t failed at all, he had
successfully found 5,000 ways that did not work! Therefore, he was 5,000 ways
closer to finding the answer!
Babe Ruth was the greatest baseball player in
history – he hit more home runs than anyone else and set a record that stood
for nearly 30 yrs.! At the same time, he was also the worst baseball player in
the world – he struck out more times than anyone else! In other words he
succeeded more because he risked failure more than anyone else.
There
will always be a risk involved, particularly when you are attempting something
new, different or challenging. It is in embracing the challenge and taking the
risk that personal growth takes place. Most people have a “comfort zone”
mentality. They stay with what they know, whether they like it or not.
"Ships are safe in
the harbour, but that`s not what ships were designed for"
To
achieve our highest aspirations and become truly fulfilled we must be prepared
to break out of the comfort zone. Pushing through the fear is less painful
than living with the guilt, the discontent and the nagging question, “What
if………..?” What could you achieve? What could you have? Where could you go? If
you only tried. If you only believed in yourself. If you only felt the fear and did it anyway (See Susan Jeffers).
It is
incredible that most people are sitting in the lay by of life watching the rest
just drive past, they are waiting for the right time. Guess what? There is
never a right time! Don`t wait for the fear to go away, it probably never will.
Every time you face a new challenge, the fear will be there, staring you in
the face. You`ll never get rid of the fear as long as you continue to grow, but
it dissipates when you accept the challenge, and here`s the good news - Everyone feels the same!
So
whether your fear of failure relates to:- applying for a new job, speaking in
public, talking to strangers, setting up your own business, etc. what can be
done about it?
Here`s a strategy –
1.
Ask
yourself, “If things don`t work out, what`s the worst thing that could happen?”
Whatever scenario you come up with, move to point 2.
2.
Let
the next four words be your mantra, “I
can deal with it!” Remember, the fear of failure is just a belief that you
can`t deal with the consequences. Develop a trust in your ability to deal with whatever life throws at you. Because you can. You have infinite capacity. You
haven`t begun to scratch the surface of your potential.
What if I make a
mistake and my boss shouts at me? “I can
deal with it”.
What if I say the wrong thing and embarrass myself? “I can deal with it”.
What if I lose my job? “I
can deal with it”.
It`s commonly
held that 90% of the things we worry about never actually happen! Of the 10%
that`s left , 5% is never as bad as we imagined, that leaves only 5% which is
out of our control, and if it`s out of our control why worry? Whatever happens,
“You can deal with it!”
3.
Once
you have acknowledged that you`ll handle the outcome whatever happens, then
turn your thoughts completely to a successful outcome. Focus on the outcome you
want. It is important to remember that we are always drawn in the direction of
our most dominant thoughts.
You get more of
what you focus on.
Will
Carling, the former English rugby captain, was once going through a bad patch
when his form was suffering. The last thing the coach said as he ran onto the
pitch was, “Don`t drop the ball!” Guess what happened? He fumbled it more times
than he could remember. You must keep your focus on what you want, not what you
don`t want.
Self expectancy is
a self fulfilling prophecy.
4.
Listen
to your self - talk. Psychologists tell us we spend 70% of our time talking
to ourselves. The point is, what are we saying? If we get negative
feedback, this is what a loser says, “I knew it would go wrong, it always does.
I`ll never be able to do this!” A winner`s self talk goes like this, “That`s
not like me. Next time I`ll do better!” Remember, your worst enemy is the enemy
within. The little voice that convinces you not to try in case you fail. Don`t listen to it! Keep chanting your
mantra. It takes time and self discipline, but the results are worth it.
If you want to lead a richer, more fulfilling life, don`t do
what the masses do. The majority of people are intent on avoiding failure,
mistakes, pitfalls and obstacles so they can get safely in one piece to death!!
Don`t live with a comfort zone mentality. Step out, face the
challenge and remember, whatever happens, you can deal with it! Go out and fail more!
“One person with a belief is equal to a force of ninety-nine who have only interests.” ― John Stuart Mill
Our beliefs are so powerful they drive our behaviours, control our actions and ultimately shape our destinies. Have you ever considered why you believe what you believe? Where do your beliefs come from? Most of us go around on auto pilot with our lives being controlled by a set of beliefs that may be limiting us or empowering us. It doesn`t matter whether they are "right"or "wrong", "true" or "false". It only matters whether they are helping or hindering us. Since the majority of our beliefs were instilled in us at a very young age don`t you think it might be a good idea to occasionally question their validity? If perception is reality and we become what we think about. What are you thinking about? What do you believe about your world and yourself? Before you answer, think very carefully. It`s very possible your beliefs could kill or cure you. Check out the following article and video by Dr. Lissa Rankin and make your own mind up.
"Most of us have heard of “the placebo effect”—the heal-inducing effect patients in clinical trials experience when they believe they’re getting a fancy new drug or surgery but are actually getting fake treatment. The placebo effect is real. It works about eighteen to eighty percent of the time, and it’s not just in your head—it actually dilates bronchi, heals ulcers, makes warts disappear, drops your blood pressure, and even makes bald men who think they’re getting Rogaine grow hair!
Unwanted Side Effects
But the placebo effect has a shadow side. The same mind-body power that can heal you can also harm you. When patients in double-blinded clinical trials are warned about the side effects they may experience if they’re given the real drug, approximately twenty-five percent experience sometimes severe side effects, even when they’re only taking sugar pills.
Those treated with nothing more than placebos often report fatigue, vomiting, muscle weakness, colds, ringing in the ears, taste disturbances, memory disturbances, and other symptoms that shouldn’t result from a sugar pill.
Interestingly, these “nocebo” complaints aren’t random; they tend to arise in response to the side effect warnings on the actual drug or treatment. The mere suggestion that a patient may experience negative symptoms in response to a medication (or a sugar pill) may be a self-fulfilling prophecy. For example, if you tell a patient treated with a placebo he might experience nausea, he’s likely to feel nauseous. If you suggest that he might get a headache, he may. Patients given nothing but saline who thought it was chemotherapy actually threw up and lost their hair!
When You Think You’re Going to Die
In another study, patients about to undergo surgery who were “convinced” of their impending death were compared to another group of patients who were merely “unusually apprehensive” about death. While the apprehensive bunch fared pretty well, those who were convinced they were going to die usually did.
Similarly, women who believed they were prone to heart disease were four times more likely to die. It’s not because these women had poorer diets, higher blood pressure, higher cholesterol, or stronger family histories than the women who didn’t get heart disease. The only difference between the two groups was their beliefs.
The nocebo effect is probably most obvious in “voodoo death”—when a person is cursed, told they will die, and then dies. The notion of voodoo death doesn’t just apply to witch doctors in tribal cultures. The literature shows that patients believed to be terminal who are mistakenly informed that they have only a few months to live have died within their given time frame, even when autopsy findings reveal no physiological explanation for the early death.
Dr. Steve’s Story
In response to what I said in my latest TEDx talk about the placebo effect’s evil twin, “the nocebo effect,” L. Chas sent me an email, telling me the story of her brother Steve, who was a physician diagnosed with the exact same illness that was his specialty. When he was diagnosed with malignant tumors in both lungs, his doctors told him that he had five years to live, and knowing what he knew about the disease, Steve believed this.
Exactly five years later, to the day, he was snorkeling in Maui when he was found unconscious on the shore. Steve was resuscitated, but he had been without oxygen to the brain for over four minutes and wound up in a coma until his family chose to withdraw life support.
L. Chas wrote, “More than anything else, I think my brother believed that, when diagnosed with his disease, a patient has ‘five good years left.’ Just as you’ve said in your videos: the nocebo effect. So sad it had to go this way.”
Medical Hexing
Every time your doctor tells you that you have an “incurable” illness or that you’ll be on medication for the rest of your life or that you have a five-percent five-year survival, they’re essentially cursing you with a form of “medical hexing.” They don’t mean to. They’re not trying to harm you. They know not what they do.
Doctors think they’re telling it to you straight, that you deserve to know, that you should be realistic and make arrangements, if necessary. But when they say such things, they instill in your conscious and subconscious mind a belief that you won’t get well, and as long as the mind holds this negative belief, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you believe you’ll never recover, you won’t.
The Moral of This Story
After reading through the 3500+ case studies documented in the medical literature in the Spontaneous Remission Project, which was compiled by the Institute of Noetic Sciences, I now believe there’s no such thing as an incurable illness. If you or someone you love is suffering from a “chronic,” “incurable,” or “terminal” illness and you want to optimize the chance for spontaneous remission, you have to start by cleansing your mind of any negative beliefs that will sabotage your self-healing efforts. My upcoming book Mind Over Medicine: Scientific Proof That You Can Heal Yourselfoffers tips for how you can change your negative beliefs to positive ones in order to optimize your chances".
Is it really? If you listen to a lot of people they would try to convince you that it really is the case. "Times are hard", "I never have any luck", "It always happens to me", "Why can`t things be easier?" It`s interesting how we all want life to be easier. We want to minimise the difficulties, sidestep the challenges, avoid the problems that life seems to keep throwing at us, when the truth of the matter is that it is those self same challenges and problems that keep us alive.
The paradox is that we yearn for the things that would speed up our demise. We create products to automate as many things as possible so we have to do less physical work so our underused muscles begin to atrophy. Even when we go to the gym, we have to drive there and then try to park as close to the door as possible. We want to eliminate stressing our brains too much with demanding problems that we can`t instantly fix, not realising that it is actually good for our brains to be used and stretched. We inadvertently want to rob ourselves of the huge satisfaction we derive from conquering a huge mental or physical challenge. We hanker after the easy life not realising that we`ve probably already got it. After all, "hard" and "easy" are both relative concepts aren`t they? Wasn`t Abraham Lincoln right when he said, "People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be"
If you are going through a "hard" time at the moment just recognise you are going "through" it. You will come out the other side.Nothing lasts forever. Lao Tzu in the classic Tao te Ching reminds us of the ebb and flow of life:- "There is a time for being ahead, a time for being behind; a time for being in motion, a time for being at rest; a time for being vigorous, a time for being exhausted; a time for being safe, a time for being in danger". There is a time for everything and nothing lasts forever. You need to remind yourself that "this too shall pass". Why not reframe these situations by believing that life is made up of two things - good times and lessons. When we are going through the "lessons" it might ease them by being grateful for the good times? And remember the only people who will never have bad times are already six feet under.
I vividly remember travelling through Tanzania and seeing the poorest of people and yet for some weird reason they were all smiling and laughing. Maybe we need to temper our perspective of life with a healthy dose of gratitude? If you want to create a paradigm shift in your attitude, watch this:-
According to the latest research life begins at 37 for men! "It's the age at
which many have established themselves on the career
ladder and started a family.
And it seems that 37 is when most men feel happiest, too.
A survey has revealed that by the time they have reached their late 30s,
the majority of men are in a happy relationship and have formed close
circle of friends with which to socialise.
The poll found that 43% of the 1,000 questioned said becoming a father
was the happiest day of their lives, followed by getting married (35%).
Phillip Hodson, fellow of the British Association for Counseling and
Psychotherapy, said men of 37 typically benefit from health and life
experience.
He said: 'It would be logical to think that men would be happier when
they are younger, when they are fitter and healthier. 'As men get older they become more prone to illness
and more feeble.
'At 37, you are young enough not to be disillusioned by life, which comes with the midlife crisis.
'But you are also old enough to have developed self-confidence, earned some respect and authority and to have a sense of achievement.' "
Top
moments in a man's life
1. Becoming a parent (43 per cent)
2. Getting married (35 per cent)
3. Seeing his favourite sports team winning the league (18 per cent)
4. Buying a new house (17 per cent)
5. Seeing a country sports team win a significant title (14 per cent)
6. Proposing to a partner (13 per cent)
7. Graduating/finishing full time education (9 per cent)
8. Buying a new car (7 per cent)
Source: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2226289/Life-begins-37-Men-happiest-age-having-climbed-career-ladder-started-family.html O.K. so that`s what the research concludes, and many people will believe it, but here`s a better, more empowering belief:- You decide when life begins - you can have it now, however old or young you are. Some people are hanging in there waiting for life to get better, waiting for "something" to happen and then they will be happy. Supposing it doesn`t? How long have you got? Happiness is your birthright - claim it now. Life will only change when you change, and until you change nothing changes. Why not decide to make every moment count? After all, you just don`t know how long you`ve got. I strongly advise watching this clip of Randy Pausch giving his last lecture (preferably the full length version)
Since my last blog post about focusing on the power of goals in the last post, I have heard countless people jump on the "New Year Resolution" bandwagon making lists of things that we know statistically they won`t achieve! I have overheard countless conversations about what people are going to "really try to do this year" - meaning of course they have attempted the same things last year (and probably the year before!)
If this sounds like you, then here is something very useful I came across from Mark Peysha (Robbins-Madanes Training):- "When I make a New Years
Resolution, I convert it into a Game Plan. Why? Because Resolutions have a
reputation for not happening, right? If you want a resolution to work, it needs
to be focused, action-based, and strategic.
Focused:
make it about changing ONE thing at a time. The more specific, the better. Action-based:
commit to DOING something measurable. Talk is cheap, action is priceless. Strategic:
you are changing an existing system in your life. Be smart about how you do it.
Let's take a typical resolution - for instance "I want to lose 10
pounds." Now, let's make it focused
and action based. You do this by asking yourself: what's ONE action I can take
consistently this month to help me lose weight?
Feel the difference? You're focusing on ONE concrete action now, the action
that will make the biggest difference. Now, most people trying to change their
eating habits have a "weak point" in their day where their willpower
fails them. You want to protect yourself from that. If you're going to change
one thing, try changing that one weak point. Let's say that your weak point is
that, when you get home from work, you too many cookies. Resolution: "Stop eating so many cookies."
Great. That's a more focused resolution. So now let's set up a game plan.
Game plan:
set up my life so that I don't eat cookies after work.
-> eat a quality protein meal and hydrate before coming home.
-> do something else that's enjoyable before coming back from work.
-> get rid of cookies in the house, stock up on quality snacks.
-> what need am I meeting by eating cookies? What's a better way to meet
that need? Do that.
-> how can I celebrate every day, and every week, that I succeed (in a
non-food way)?
See the difference? Here's another one.
Resolution:
"I need to stop procrastinating and write my book."
Game plan:
Commit to writing 2 pages of my book per workday, during a "ritual
time" that will not change. If I fail to sit down and write for at least
30 minutes, as a consequence I will write a check for $10 to my favorite
charity. The next time I fail to write my 2 pages, I write a check for $20,
then $40, then $80, and so on. Eventually I'm either really motivated to write,
or I'm helping a lot of people! Continue this until I have 100 pages. (This is
a win-win strategy: either I write and help myself or I fail to write and help
others). At 100 pages this game plan stops, and I shift to editing the book.
See the difference? Do you think you could you make one of your New Years
Resolutions more powerful by converting it into a Game Plan? Absolutely."
It`s simple and it works. No excuses!
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