The most important words in the English language

                                      “The Power of words”

It is often stated that,” It`s not what you say, but what you do”, that counts. Nevertheless, words are still the building blocks of communication.

The combination of certain words can have a real impact. If you want to build relationships and high performing teams, these are some of the most potent combinations:-

THE 6 MOST IMPORTANT WORDS…… 

“I`m sorry I made a mistake” 

There isn`t a human being who hasn`t made a mistake, but there are plenty who would never admit it! It is often quoted that it takes a “big man” to admit when he`s wrong. Most just ignore it or get into the “Blame Game” syndrome and start pointing the finger. One of the hallmarks of a truly mature human being is the ability to accept total responsibility for their lives, their actions and their behaviours – good or bad, right or wrong. Many people mistakenly believe that if you are a manager or hold some prestigious title you aren`t allowed to make mistakes! Of course you are! More importantly, if you are not, you are not trying hard enough. People actually like to work for someone who is human like them! Nobody likes a “Peter Perfect” neither do they want a “Calamity Jane”, but there is a desperate need for someone, somewhere to accept full responsibility when things go wrong. “I`m sorry”, is a good start.

THE 5 MOST IMPORTANT WORDS……… 

“You did a good job” 

Positive feedback and recognition are “endorphins for the soul”. Human beings thrive on them. In fact they can only thrive if they get enough of them, enough of the time. Unfortunately, there are still managers who subscribe to the old paradigm of, “Why should they be rewarded for doing a good job when that`s what they get paid to do?” These people clearly have no idea about human nature. It is this kind of blinkered , ignorant, one dimensional thinking that gets just the response it deserves, i.e. “minimalist employees”, who do just enough and no more. Positive recognition costs nothing and yet delivers so much.

THE 4 MOST IMPORTANT WORDS……. 

“What is your opinion?” 

Where there is no involvement, there is no commitment. How can we realistically expect employees to be committed to Mission Statements or corporate goals, etc. when the first they hear of them is when the senior management team descend from their “Ivory Towers” clutching their tablets of stone proclaiming, “This is where we are doing, this is where we are going. Now get to it!” These Mission Statements and goals are not those of the employees, they are the managers. They only become the employees when they have been involved in the process. The first stage of involvement is, “What do you think?” In addition, by asking people, you are giving them positive recognition, you are according them respect. They begin to feel valued. Being valued is one of the most profound desires of human beings.

THE 3 MOST IMPORTANT WORDS……. 

“Would you please…….?” 

Only in Her Majesty`s armed forces and services can you give orders and expect to get away with it. Ask, don`t order. How we communicate our requests determine how they are received. People generally want to be helpful, to feel useful (again it reinforces our primary need to be valued). If they feel as if you are requesting their help they will be only too pleased, but if it sounds like an order, they will do it grudgingly!

THE 2 MOST IMPORTANT WORDS…… 

“Thank you!” 

Without question, the most common complaint I hear when running management training courses is, “we don`t feel appreciated”, and, “a simple thank you would mean a lot”.

So simple, so obvious, so ignored. More often than not people don`t want lavish praise or over the top ceremonies. A simple, sincere “thank you” is often reward enough. Even more powerful would be a “thank you” note/card. Never be too busy to acknowledge people`s help or contribution. These are two little words that make a big difference.

THE 1 MOST IMPORTANT WORD…… 

“We” 

“We”, is a word that reflects teamwork, togetherness, unity, and should be liberally used in conjunction with success, achievements and celebration. The best leaders accept personal liability when things go wrong and acknowledge the team contribution when things go well. Any long term, enduring success can only come by working with people. As Stephen Covey points out in his “Maturity Continuum”:-

The three stages of maturity are 1. Dependence (as children we depend upon everyone else for all our needs), 2. Independence (when we can fend for ourselves and feel we are self sufficient), 3. Interdependence – this is the maturity to realise that we need others, and working together with others give us our greatest success. Remember, people will often do more for the “team” than they will ever do for themselves. Harness the power of “we”, and there will be very little you cannot achieve.  

What difference it could make in our families, businesses and relationships if we all committed to using these words on a more regular basis. What do you think?

Here`s something else to consider about the power of words:-

Inspiration vs. Desperation: The two keys to real change

The truth is when it comes to creating REAL change there are only two forces that really drive us:-

Inspired Action -  When something ignites such a powerful force inside you that you will do whatever it takes to succeed. You will overcome whatever obstacle is in your way - internal or external, in order to achieve your goal.
Desperate Action - When you get to the stage where you say, "That`s it. I`ve had enough. I`m not going to put up with this any more!"

It seems that for most people significant change only takes place when the pain of inaction becomes greater than the pain of taking action! Then, and only then will they begin to move forward.

If you really want to galvanise yourself you can combine both strategies. Visualise the long term pain  of not changing and at the same time get a very clear picture and feeling of the pleasure of achieving your goal.
(N.B. It`s important to associate extreme pain to inaction and the maintenance of the status quo and extreme pleasure to moving forward and attaining your goal).

It doesn`t matter which force drives you as long as you get the right result. It`s truly amazing what you can achieve when you have a big enough WHY. Here`s a brilliantly powerful and moving example.....

What would get you moving?

The Keys to Long Life? Not What You Might Expect

"Cheer up. Stop worrying. Don’t work so hard. Good advice for a long life?" As it turns out, no. In a groundbreaking study of personality as a predictor of longevity, University of California, Riverside researchers found just the opposite.

"It's surprising just how often common assumptions -- by both scientists and the media -- are wrong," said Howard S. Friedman, distinguished professor of psychology who led the 20-year study.

Friedman and Martin examined, refined and supplemented data gathered by the late Stanford University psychologist Louis Terman and subsequent researchers on more than 1,500 bright children who were about 10 years old when they were first studied in 1921. "Probably our most amazing finding was that personality characteristics and social relations from childhood can predict one's risk of dying decades later," Friedman concluded.

The Longevity Project, as the study became known, followed the children through their lives, collecting information that included family histories and relationships, teacher and parent ratings of personality, hobbies, pet ownership, job success, education levels, military service and numerous other details.

"When we started, we were frustrated with the state of research about individual differences, stress, health and longevity," Friedman recalled. "It was clear that some people were more prone to disease, took longer to recover, or died sooner, while others of the same age were able to thrive. All sorts of explanations were being proposed -- anxiety, lack of exercise, nerve-racking careers, risk-taking, lack of religion, unsociability, disintegrating social groups, pessimism, poor access to medical care, and Type A behavior patterns." But none were well-studied over the long term. That is, none followed people step-by-step throughout their lives.

When Friedman and Martin began their research in 1991, they planned to spend six months examining predictors of health and longevity among the Terman participants.

But the project continued over the next two decades -- funded in part by the National Institute on Aging -- and the team eventually involved more than 100 graduate and undergraduate students who tracked down death certificates, evaluated interviews, and analyzed tens of thousands of pages of information about the Terman participants through the years.

"We came to a new understanding about happiness and health," said Martin, now a psychology professor at La Sierra University in Riverside.

"One of the findings that really astounds people, including us, is that the Longevity Project participants who were the most cheerful and had the best sense of humor as kids lived shorter lives, on average, than those who were less cheerful and joking. It was the most prudent and persistent individuals who stayed healthiest and lived the longest."

Part of the explanation lies in health behaviors -- the cheerful, happy-go-lucky kids tended to take more risks with their health across the years, Friedman noted. While an optimistic approach can be helpful in a crisis, "we found that as a general life-orientation, too much of a sense that 'everything will be just fine' can be dangerous because it can lead one to be careless about things that are important to health and long life. Prudence and persistence, however, led to a lot of important benefits for many years. It turns out that happiness is not a root cause of good health. Instead, happiness and health go together because they have common roots."

Many of the UCR findings fly in the face of conventional wisdom. For example:

• Marriage may be good for men's health, but doesn't really matter for women. Steadily married men -- those who remained in long-term marriages -- were likely to live to age 70 and beyond; fewer than one-third of divorced men were likely to live to 70; and men who never married outlived those who remarried and significantly outlived those who divorced -- but they did not live as long as married men.
• Being divorced is much less harmful to women's health. Women who divorced and did not remarry lived nearly as long as those who were steadily married.
• "Don't work too hard, don't stress," doesn't work as advice for good health and long life. Terman subjects who were the most involved and committed to their jobs did the best. Continually productive men and women lived much longer than their more laid-back comrades.
• Starting formal schooling too early -- being in first grade before age 6 -- is a risk factor for earlier mortality. Having sufficient playtime and being able to relate to classmates is very important for children.
• Playing with pets is not associated with longer life. Pets may sometimes improve well-being, but they are not a substitute for friends.
• Combat veterans are less likely to live long lives, but surprisingly the psychological stress of war itself is not necessarily a major health threat. Rather, it is a cascade of unhealthy patterns that sometimes follows. Those who find meaning in a traumatic experience and are able to reestablish a sense of security about the world are usually the ones who return to a healthy pathway.
• People who feel loved and cared for report a better sense of well-being, but it doesn't help them live longer. The clearest health benefit of social relationships comes from being involved with and helping others. The groups you associate with often determine the type of person you become -- healthy or unhealthy.

It's never too late to choose a healthier path, Friedman and Martin said. The first step is to throw away the lists and stop worrying about worrying.

"Some of the minutiae of what people think will help us lead long, healthy lives, such as worrying about the ratio of omega-6 to omega-3 fatty acids in the foods we eat, actually are red herrings, distracting us from the major pathways," Friedman said. "When we recognize the long-term healthy and unhealthy patterns in ourselves, we can begin to maximize the healthy patterns."

"Thinking of making changes as taking 'steps' is a great strategy," Martin advised. "You can't change major things about yourself overnight. But making small changes, and repeating those steps, can eventually create that path to longer life."

It`s interesting to note that most people I meet can`t wait to stop work. They talk of retiring and some actually want to do nothing, not realising that the research indicates that would be the worst thing possible!You can`t argue with the facts  -  here`s someone who has achieved extraordinary things and is very clear about what he considers the 3 keys to longevity:-

Next time you ever begin to say, "I`m too old for...." watch this!

Optimist or pessimist: which are you and does it matter?

"Optimism is the madness of insisting that all is well when we are miserable" - Voltaire 

There has been and always will be, much debate and now research, as to which frame of mind brings the best results in life. Now is the opportunity to find out the truth.......

"Imagine you divided everyone in the world into two psychological groups. You put all the optimists on one side and all the pessimists on the other (let’s leave the realists aside for now).

Amongst the optimists the conversation would all be about fantastic plans for the future and how things can only get better.

Meanwhile the pessimists are having what might seem to the optimists like a depressing discussion. Far from working out how to make their dreams come true, they’re worrying about all the things that might go wrong. They’re worried that even the things they have will be taken away from them by some cruel twist of fate.

To the optimists, the pessimists seem too down on everything, always just a little too keen to pour cold water on any exciting plans.

To the pessimists, though, the optimists are out of touch with reality. Can’t they see what a nasty, cruel and accident-prone world we live in? They are deluding themselves!

Which is better?

Over the years psychologists have examined many aspects of pessimism and optimism. They’ve wondered whether there are more optimists or pessimists. And they’ve tried to find out which approach is ‘better’. Naturally both camps are fascinated to see which way this one goes.

In fact there’s good news for all. There are some advantages to optimism like it seems to make people feel better about life. But there are also advantages for pessimism in that thinking the worst helps some pessimists cope better with the world.

But we should be less concerned with which is ‘better’ or which camp is larger and more interested in why people see the world in such different ways in the first place.

After all, when an extreme optimist talks to an extreme pessimist, it’s like they come from two completely different worlds. How do people come to be polarized in this way?

What’s my motivation?

A clue comes from a new line of research into how both pessimists and optimists use their differing views of the world to motivate themselves.

We all know how difficult it is to predict what’s going to happen in the future. Life is always throwing us curveballs and most of us accept that our plans often don’t work out. It’s not that we’re doing anything wrong, just that life is unpredictable.

To cope with this unpredictability some of us choose to think optimistically because it helps motivate us to try, try again. For others a pessimistic mindset performs the same function. By thinking about what might go wrong it helps protect us against when things do go wrong.

In both cases what the optimistic and pessimistic standpoints are doing is working in service of motivation. Each provides a protective buffer against what Shakespeare called “the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune”.

Insight from anagrams

Evidence for this connection between motivation and optimism or pessimism was found in a new study by Abigail Hazlett and colleagues (Hazlett et al., 2011), published in Social Cognition.

In two initial studies optimists were found to have a ‘promotion focus’. In other words they preferred to think about how they could advance and grow. Pessimists, meanwhile, were more preoccupied with security and safety.

This suggested a connection with motivation, but we need a true experiment for stronger evidence. So, in their third study they had participants trying to solve anagrams. However they were split into two groups. While doing the anagrams half were encouraged to think optimistic thoughts and half pessimistic thoughts.

The researchers also measured participants’ natural tendencies towards either optimism or pessimism. This meant that some people would be using their preferred strategy and others would be forced to think against the grain.

What the results showed was that pessimists performed better when thinking in negative ways. At the same time optimists were more engaged with their task when they were thinking positive thoughts.

It also turned out that people’s performance depended on how persistent they were at trying to crack the anagrams. It seems that when the optimists were using their preferred positive thinking strategy, they were more persistent. And the same went for the pessimists, who were most successful when thinking negative thoughts.

Different strokes

What’s emerging, from studies like this, is that both optimism and pessimism have important roles to play in people’s lives.

Being optimistic allows people to pursue their goals in a positive way: to dream a bigger and better dream, which they can work their way towards. Optimists also seem to respond better to positive feedback, and part of being optimistic may be generating this feedback for themselves, i.e. thinking positive thoughts.

On the other hand being pessimistic may help people reduce their natural anxiety and to perform better. Also, pessimists seem to respond better to negative feedback. They like to hear what the problems were, so they can correct them. Again, part of why pessimists generate these sorts of negative thoughts is that it helps them perform better.

So it’s different strokes for different folks. Optimism and pessimism aren’t just accidents; this evidence suggests they are two different, but effective, strategies of coping with a complex and unpredictable world."

(Source:Jeremy Dean)

That said, I am inclined to favour what I would call a "healthy optimism bias!" for more fascinating information check out this video by Tali Sharot...

Why do you do what you do?

If you`ve ever wondered what it really takes to be happy and fulfilled or how come you keep getting involved in relationships or jobs that just don`t work. Here`s the answer. According to Tony Robbins there are 6 fundamental needs that human beings need to satisfy in order to be happy and content:-

It might be worth considering how each of these needs is currently being met in key areas of your life. Look at your relationship. It is impossible to be happy if a significant number of the above needs are not being satisfied. How about your job? If you are not truly happy in your present position, could it be related to these needs being unmet? 

(Ignore any reference to Lance Armstrong - nobody`s perfect!)

So now you know why you do what you do - what are you going to do about it?

The Power of Paying it Forward!

“Be the change you want to see in the world.” Ghandi

A speaker friend of mine has always maintained that ultimately everybody wants the same thing. We all want to feel good. I think he`s right. But imagine if everyone decided to get that feeling by giving it to others first. If you`ve ever been involved in a "random act of kindness" you`ll know exactly  what I mean. During an 8 month motorcycle road trip down the Pan American highway I was overwhelmed by the kindness and help I was given by total strangers, so whenever I had an opportunity I decided to pay it forward by helping out others I met on the road. It is a beautiful, simple but profound process. And you know what? It could change the world. Ghandi was right. One step at a time, one person at a time. It`s only a belief away. There will still be the cynics of course, but it`s already happening despite them. Here`s what Sandi Mann, a psychologist has to say:-

"My Facebook pal, Debbie, in America was at a drive-thru Starbucks the other day. Nothing unusual in that, but this time, when she put her order in, she was informed that the car in front of her had paid her bill. The car in front had 'paid it forward' - a concept that refers to the random acts of kindness whereby people do something nice for someone else in the hope that this good deed will be 'paid forward' and inspire the lucky recipient to carry out their own random acts of kindness to others.

Paying it forward is not a concept that has gathered huge momentum in the UK, but apparently is quite a big thing on the other side of the Pond. I think if some random stranger paid for my coffee here in Manchester, my reaction would be more suspicious than grateful; we in the UK, are simply not used to strangers performing arbitrary acts of kindness for us. Strangers in this country are not renowned for letting us cut in front of them when trying to make a right turn in rush hour, or stopping to let us cross the road (I once counted 34 cars pass me and my kids by before one kind soul slowed to let us cross)... buying us coffee? Not a chance!

But, imagine, if the Pay it Forward campaign caught on here. Imagine if we did buy people we don't even know, drinks, or complimented random strangers on the train on their clothes, or left encouraging post-it notes in library books, or put change in expired parking meters? Would it make our world a nicer place? Could we really spread happiness; would our random act of kindness really inspire others to 'pay it forward'?

According to a study by Stanford University psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky in 2005, students who carried out five random acts of kindness a week, reported higher levels of happiness than a control group. That I can understand; we feel good when we do good because we feel that we have made a positive contribution to society and we experience what psychologist call 'moral elevation'. But, can these good deeds really spread, and inspire recipients to perform their own acts of kindness?

Well, yes, apparently they can. According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology recently, even reading about acts of kindness can evoke this moral elevation, never mind being the actual recipient of these acts. And people who have moral elevation are more likely to perform good deeds themselves. This is because if we feel we are 'good', we do 'good' things in order to reinforce this view of our self.

Thus, if someone lets me out into the traffic during rush-hour, I am more likely to let the next car in. If someone does something nice for me, I am likely to do something nice for someone else. It's basic psychology. It also ensures that we obey the 'law of reciprocity', which is a very powerful psychological pull we experience when someone gives us something or does something for us; we yearn to return the favour somehow (which is why charities often send us free gifts like pens or stickers - they hope we will be unable to resist the yen to reciprocate their kindness). 

So, what are we all waiting for? We have the power to make the world a better place by one random act of kindness. The next time you are in the coffee shop picking up your latte on the way to work, why not pick up the tab for the customer behind you; you never know what it could lead to."

Source: Sandi Mann

http://payitforwardday.com/ April 25th 2013

"There's only one rule I know of ... you've got to be kind." -- Kurt Vonnegut

It doesn`t take much. Why not pay it forward?

Why failure is good!

Why is it that most people are merely making a living rather than designing a life? Why do so few people get close to fulfilling their potential? The vast majority lead a “settle for” existence – they would love to have a better quality of life, but they`ll settle for what they have got. So many people go to their graves with their songs never sung, their books never written, their mountains never climbed, their dreams never achieved. 

Why? Because of kakorrhaphiophobia. Commonly known as the Fear of Failure! 

Psychologists will tell you that this is the biggest single obstacle to success in adult life.  Why? Where do these fears come from? More importantly, what can we do about them? None of us were born with the fears we carry around with us today. Some fears are valuable, they are good, they help keep us alive, the rest are inappropriate and destructive, a product of negative conditioning.

 We were always told “be careful”, not “go and take lots of risks today!”– any fear, inhibition, worry or hang up we learnt along the way with the help of our parents, and teachers. Failure had consequences, which invariably meant punishment. And yet when we were very young, we failed constantly but were continually encouraged by parents to use these failures as stepping - stones to success.

 How many children do you know who walked at their first attempt? How many babies are born with basic literacy skills? The problem is, somewhere along the way we have learned that failure is a thing to be avoided. The fear of failure is so great in some people that they give up trying altogether.

These are the people who believe that the past equals the future; they try something new get their fingers burnt, and decide not to try again ever. The belief that they won`t succeed in the future because they failed in the past is irrational. It presupposes that no learning has taken place.

 If they have learned from their previous experience then they have succeeded; they have succeeded in learning something that will give them better results the next time!

 Remember, there is no such thing as failure, only feedback! 

Henry Ford once pointed out that failure is only an opportunity to begin again more intelligently. Just imagine how much your life could change if you adopted this paradigm. If you really believed that every bit of negative feedback you received was beneficial and productive, speeding you on your way to success, wouldn`t you double your efforts and welcome “failures”?

You`re not a failure if you don`t make it, you`re a success because you try.

It is important to remember that some of the greatest successes in history were also the greatest failures. Thomas Edison was the world`s greatest and most prolific inventor in history, and yet when he was attempting to invent what was to become the precursor of the electric light bulb, he failed nearly 10,000 times! After 5,000 attempts the leading scientific authorities of the day condemned him for wasting his time. They asked him why he continued after his obvious failures, he told them the truth – he hadn`t failed at all, he had successfully found 5,000 ways that did not work! Therefore, he was 5,000 ways closer to finding the answer!

 Babe Ruth was the greatest baseball player in history – he hit more home runs than anyone else and set a record that stood for nearly 30 yrs.! At the same time, he was also the worst baseball player in the world – he struck out more times than anyone else! In other words he succeeded more because he risked failure more than anyone else.

There will always be a risk involved, particularly when you are attempting something new, different or challenging. It is in embracing the challenge and taking the risk that personal growth takes place. Most people have a “comfort zone” mentality. They stay with what they know, whether they like it or not.

"Ships are safe in the harbour, but that`s not what ships were designed for"

To achieve our highest aspirations and become truly fulfilled we must be prepared to break out of the comfort zone. Pushing through the fear is less painful than living with the guilt, the discontent and the nagging question, “What if………..?” What could you achieve? What could you have? Where could you go? If you only tried. If you only believed in yourself. If you only felt the fear and did it anyway (See Susan Jeffers).

It is incredible that most people are sitting in the lay by of life watching the rest just drive past, they are waiting for the right time. Guess what? There is never a right time! Don`t wait for the fear to go away, it probably never will. Every time you face a new challenge, the fear will be there, staring you in the face. You`ll never get rid of the fear as long as you continue to grow, but it dissipates when you accept the challenge, and here`s the good news -  Everyone feels the same!

So whether your fear of failure relates to:- applying for a new job, speaking in public, talking to strangers, setting up your own business, etc. what can be done about it?

Here`s a strategy –

1.    Ask yourself, “If things don`t work out, what`s the worst thing that could happen?” Whatever scenario you come up with, move to point 2. 

2.    Let the next four words be your mantra, “I can deal with it!” Remember, the fear of failure is just a belief that you can`t deal with the consequences. Develop a trust in your ability to deal with whatever life throws at you. Because you can. You have infinite capacity. You haven`t begun to scratch the surface of your potential.

        What if I make a mistake and my boss shouts at me? “I can deal with it”.

What if I say the wrong thing and embarrass myself? “I can deal with it”.

What if I lose my job? “I can deal with it”. 

 It`s commonly held that 90% of the things we worry about never actually happen! Of the 10% that`s left , 5% is never as bad as we imagined, that leaves only 5% which is out of our control, and if it`s out of our control why worry? Whatever happens, “You can deal with it!”

3.    Once you have acknowledged that you`ll handle the outcome whatever happens, then turn your thoughts completely to a successful outcome. Focus on the outcome you want. It is important to remember that we are always drawn in the direction of our most dominant thoughts.

You get more of what you focus on.

Will Carling, the former English rugby captain, was once going through a bad patch when his form was suffering. The last thing the coach said as he ran onto the pitch was, “Don`t drop the ball!” Guess what happened? He fumbled it more times than he could remember. You must keep your focus on what you want, not what you don`t want.

Self expectancy is a self fulfilling prophecy.

4.    Listen to your self - talk. Psychologists tell us we spend 70% of our time talking to         ourselves. The point is, what are we saying? If we get negative feedback, this is what a loser says, “I knew it would go wrong, it always does. I`ll never be able to do this!” A winner`s self talk goes like this, “That`s not like me. Next time I`ll do better!” Remember, your worst enemy is the enemy within. The little voice that convinces you not to try in case you fail. Don`t listen to it! Keep chanting your mantra. It takes time and self discipline, but the results are worth it.

If you want to lead a richer, more fulfilling life, don`t do what the masses do. The majority of people are intent on avoiding failure, mistakes, pitfalls and obstacles so they can get safely in one piece to death!!

Don`t live with a comfort zone mentality. Step out, face the challenge and remember, whatever happens, you can deal with it! Go out and fail more!