How to beat frustration

Have you ever felt really annoyed that things are not going your way? You know, one of those days where you get up on the wrong side of bed and nothing goes according to plan?

If you have, then it’s likely your familiar with feelings of frustration. When we’re frustrated, it can at times feel like the world is against us as we struggle to regain control of everyday things. So before I take you through a 5 step strategy to reduce your frustration, first let’s get an understanding of what frustration is and where it comes from.

What is frustration?

If you think about it, frustration is an emotion that pops up when we don’t get what we want. It’s essentially ‘control’ in action. Next time you feel frustrated, check in to see if you are feeling out of control and I’ll bet the answer is yes.

We tend to feel frustrated when we can’t control what’s happening around us. For example – have you ever planned out your day only to have a few unexpected ‘things’ pop up out of blue? Suddenly it’s not an option to carry on as you had planned, now you have to make some changes and feel forced into doing a few things that you hadn’t anticipated. Before you know it those feelings of frustration are starting to bubble up and you’re muttering things like:

* “I don’t want to be doing this.”
* “Why can’t things just work out as I planned!”
* “Why does everything have to be so hard today!”
* “Why me?!”

Stop fighting life

All of these thoughts are essentially you trying to fight what is happening in that present moment. This is pure resistance in action – and it’s this resistance that creates frustration. I once read somewhere that we must ‘Stop fighting life.’ That thought has stuck with me ever since because it rings true right?

Why do we fight life, instead of just allowing it to flow? And even more poignant – can we ever win a battle against life? In my opinion – the answer is no. In which case, if it’s pointless trying to fight life, we may as-well accept it right? Go with the flow?

Persistent resistance

Carl Jung has a really great saying:

“What you resist persists.”

It’s so true. Have you noticed how the more frustrated you get, the more of what you’re resisting persists? It’s like a blockage is created somehow by the very act of resistance. Before you know it, more and more of what you are resisting is showing up in your life and you spiral into a whirlpool of negativity.

I’ve talked about the power of thoughts before in a few articles, and my belief is that we get what we think about all day. So if we think about what we don’t want all day long, then this is (unfortunately) what we will get in life.

Take this approach back to frustration and if you think about it, the very act of resistance is pure negative thinking. When we resist something we are thinking specifically about what we don’t want. So, this is pure negativity in action – without us even realizing it!

The danger is that this behavior is like a chain reaction – once given permission to be negative, the brain goes to town and finds all sorts of other negative things to focus on and this can have a really detrimental effect on our lives.

We must take control of our mind and our thinking, before it takes control of us.

Acceptance

Here’s a thought for you. What would happen if you were to accept everything that’s happening to you? Instead of resisting changes as they happen, you were to first notice any resistance and then secondly allow this change to just be what it is. To let go of trying to control whatever is happening to you. Some call this:

The art of letting go.

When we let go, there’s no room for frustration or resistance because we are not trying to fight anything, So instead of attempting to control life, we are flowing with life. Now I don’t mean that we should roll over and just let life happen to us. I don’t mean that at all. We still must take action and make things happen. But Open Minded Action– where we are free to things happening in ways that are unexpected, often ways that turn out to be much better than we could have ever planned.

Simple Life Strategy: 5 Steps to be Less Frustrated

1. Become aware. Notice when those feelings of frustration start to creep up on you.

2. Identify why you are frustrated. Is it because you are trying to control something?

3. Remember the saying ‘What you resist persists.’ Know that if you keep resisting whatever is happening to you, more of it will show up in your life.

4. Consider if you are thinking about what you don’t want. Remember that this is essentially negative thinking in action and is to be avoided at all costs.

5. Accept what’s happening. Simply let go of trying to control your situation and accept it. Instead of fighting life, flow with it and notice how much easier things become.

(Source: Zoe B - Simple Life Strategies)

Or, you could try this approach.....

"Life can change in an instant..."

Lessons from a plane crash

Ric Elias got a second chance. He was fortunate. He got an opportunity to re-focus, to re-evaluate what was really important to him. If you had the same "opportunity", what three things would you focus on? More importantly, what are you waiting for??

Get clear - get focused - get started

"You don`t have to find out you`re dying to start living"

How much do we all take for granted? How much do you take for granted? Why does it take something monumental, traumatic or even tragic for us to focus on our true values and begin living our lives everyday, rather than living in the fantasy of "One day I`ll...."?

 I have no answers, only questions.....

Here`s someone who could teach us all a lesson and he didn`t have the luxury of time.

                                                               What do you think?

What difference are you making?

"You`re not here to make a living; you`re here to make a difference" 
- Andrew Matthews

People often believe that it takes a special kind of person to touch lives and
 change them for the better, but the truth is, everyone of us has the potential
 to do that almost everyday, often without even noticing it........

There was an art teacher at a local high school. He had been there for many
years and was well liked and respected by colleagues and students alike. On one
 particular day he was visited by an ex student, returning after four or five years
 to show off her wedding ring, her new baby and her promising career.
 He remembered her as a quiet, plain girl who mostly kept herself to herself
 and was generally quite shy. Now she was a confident young woman, and a
 mother. She had come to see her former art teacher for a specific reason.

“When I was in high school,” she explained, “my stepfather abused me.
 He hit me and came into my bed at night. It was horrible. I was deeply
 ashamed. I told no one. No one knew.

Finally, I decided I`d had enough. My parents went away for a weekend, 
leaving me alone for the first time. I planned my escape.

They left on Thursday evening, so I spent the entire night preparing. I did 
my homework,wrote a long letter to my mother, and organised my belongings.
 I bought a roll of wide plastic tape and spent an hour taping all the outside doors
 and windows of the garage from the inside. I put the keys in the ignition of my 
mother`s car, put my teddy bear on the passenger`s seat and then went up to bed.

My plan was to go to school as usual on Friday and catch the bus home, as usual.
 I would wait at home until my parents called, talk to them, and then go to the
 garage and start the engine. I thought nobody would find me until Sunday 
afternoon when my parents returned. I would be dead. I would be free.”

She stuck to her plan until the last lesson of the day, her art class. When her
 teacher sat on a stool next to her, looked at her artwork and slipped an arm 
around her shoulder. He made small talk. He complimented her on her ability, 
asked a few questions, listened to her answers, squeezed her arm gently
 and moved on. That was it.

She went home that Friday afternoon and wrote a second, different letter of
 goodbye to her mother. She removed the tape from the garage and packed her 
teddy bear with the rest of her belongings. Then she called her priest, who
 immediately came for her. She left her parent`s home and never went back. 
Her life turned a corner at that point and she gave her art teacher the credit.

 “Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a
 listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which
 have the potential to turn a life around”

                             - Leo Buscaglia

Isn`t it interesting that in the politically correct world in which we live, where to
 touch a pupil would be distinctly discouraged and spending time on idle chit chat 
would be deemed “wasted” time, in this particular situation, with this particular
 teacher, it seemed perfectly natural. He probably used that approach a hundred
 times.It was his style. It was natural. It saved a life.

 To him it was nothing special. To this particular student, at this particular
 time it altered her entire life. She decided in that moment, in that art class,
 that if a casually friendly teacher cared enough about her to take the time to stop,
 make contact, look at her and listen to her, then there must be other people who
 cared about her too.

After all these years she had come back to tell him that he had saved her life!

The key point here is, he didn`t even remember the incident!

Whose life have you changed today??

 Whose life will you change tomorrow?

"The 10 Pillars of Wisdom" - (or what your mother should have told you!)

1.                 “YOU WILL RECEIVE A BODY”

You may like it, you may hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around. So many people are dissatisfied with their bodies, particularly young people. 

Recommendation:- Learn to like it! Look after it! It is difficult to have a healthy self esteem, if you don`t like yourself. Good self esteem and a strong positive self image are essential to long term success and happiness.

2.                 “YOU WILL LEARN LESSONS”

You are enrolled in a full time informal school called life. Each day in this school , you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid. (You may not even realise that they are lessons at all! – and if so, you won`t learn from them. Have you ever noticed how certain things happen to certain people?

Every time someone abuses you, each time you blow a sale, or your girlfriend/boyfriend dumps you, there was a lesson staring you in the face. If you find yourself being miserable most of the time, it`s likely you`ve missed a lesson somewhere along the line.

We are not here to be punished  -  we are here to be educated!

Everything that happens to us has the potential to transform us.

ACT AS IF EVERY EVENT HAS A PURPOSE AND YOUR LIFE WILL HAVE A PURPOSE.

3.                 “A LESSON IS REPEATED UNTIL LEARNED”

A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When we fail to learn a lesson, we get to take it again and again! Once we have learned a lesson we move on to the next one. We reach points in our lives when we are ready for new information (it`s called maturity!) Until then, something could be staring us in the face and we don`t recognise it. So life provides us with gentle reminders and if we don`t respond, it gives us a nudge, and then a slap at the back of the head!

“Growth is most painful when we resist it!”

Because most people fear change, they don`t change until they have to:-

They exercise and diet – after the coronary

They study at school and begin to work hard – when they`re about to fail

They start to deliver excellent customer service – when the customers are leaving

They work on the marriage – when the relationship is falling apart

Winners recognise the lessons earlier – losers ignore the warning signs.

And when we are forced to learn the lesson, what do we often find - 

“That`s the best thing that ever happened to me!”

4.                 “THERE ARE NO MISTAKES, ONLY LESSONS”

There is no failure, only feedback! Growth is a process of trial and error and experimentation. The “failed” experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately “works”. 

We often celebrate our successes – but we don`t learn too much. Negative feedback is a powerful teacher. When did we get the most negative feedback? As kids! Everything was a steep learning curve. Did we think of it as failure? No! So when did we suddenly get the idea that failure was wrong?

5.                 “LEARNING DOES NOT END”

There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive there are lessons to be learned, which is bad news for those people who thought that learning stopped when they left school/university! Does life get simpler? No! But you can learn to handle it better. We know that we have to keep retaking lessons until we have learned them, but the other inference of this pillar of wisdom is, we should proactively learn. The future belongs to those who keep learning. What have you learned recently?  What new skills have you acquired?

6.                 “THERE", IS NO BETTER THAN “HERE”

When your “there” has become a “here”, you will simply obtain another “there” that will again look better than “here”. Otherwise known as “the greener grass syndrome”. Learn to love what you do – cut out jealousy and envy of others. If you want to be “there” instead of “here” because you are surrounded by problems “here”, don`t be surprised if when you get “there”, you find the same set of problems you had when you were “here”!(because you probably took them with you). Remember, you create your own environment.

7.                 “OTHERS ARE MERELY MIRRORS OF YOU”

You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself. Lesson no. 1. Start learning to love yourself. One of the most important gifts you can give anyone is the gift of self esteem – helping people feel good about themselves. What about your own self esteem? What kind of self image have you designed? Some people are well balanced – They have a chip on both shoulders! 

8.                 “WHAT YOU MAKE OF YOUR LIFE IS UP TO YOU”

You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours. Life is all about choices:-

“The entirety of one`s adult life is a series of personal choices, decisions. If we can accept this totally, then we become free people. To the extent to which we do not accept this we will forever feel victims”  -  The Road Less Travelled (M. Scott Peck)

 When you ask people what they want out of life they say happiness, guess what - Happiness is a choice!  It`s all in your attitude. You choose your attitude. The facts don`t count. The fact that it rains has nothing to do with how you feel – unless you let it!

The fact that someone cuts you up on the motorway doesn`t bother you unless you let it!

The fact that you didn`t get a job doesn`t mean that you are a loser unless you think that!

"Men are disturbed, not by the things that happen to them, but rather by their opinion of the things that happen" - EPICTETUS.

9.                 “YOUR ANSWERS LIE INSIDE YOU”

All the world`s great philosophers, teachers, leaders and wise men since the beginning of recorded time Confucius, Lao Tzu, Jesus, Buddha are agreed in one thing -

The answers to life`s questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen and trust. They hadn`t got the benefit of modern neuro science, they had no knowledge of the power of the subconscious. We can now explain  some of what they knew instinctively. They just knew that when people meditated they got insights, answers, truths. We know that the bio computer is capable of solving virtually any problem that you pose it. Many of the world`s greatest discoveries have come as flashes of inspiration after a period of concentrated  thought/meditation or even sleep ( Study MOZART, McCARTNEY, EDISON to see how this phenomenon operates)

Plant the seed, wait, listen and trust!

10.     “YOU WILL FORGET ALL THIS”

(Adapted from Cherie Scott Carter)

For some powerful, positive affirmations  check out this video:-

The most important words in the English language

                                      “The Power of words”

It is often stated that,” It`s not what you say, but what you do”, that counts. Nevertheless, words are still the building blocks of communication.

The combination of certain words can have a real impact. If you want to build relationships and high performing teams, these are some of the most potent combinations:-

THE 6 MOST IMPORTANT WORDS…… 

“I`m sorry I made a mistake” 

There isn`t a human being who hasn`t made a mistake, but there are plenty who would never admit it! It is often quoted that it takes a “big man” to admit when he`s wrong. Most just ignore it or get into the “Blame Game” syndrome and start pointing the finger. One of the hallmarks of a truly mature human being is the ability to accept total responsibility for their lives, their actions and their behaviours – good or bad, right or wrong. Many people mistakenly believe that if you are a manager or hold some prestigious title you aren`t allowed to make mistakes! Of course you are! More importantly, if you are not, you are not trying hard enough. People actually like to work for someone who is human like them! Nobody likes a “Peter Perfect” neither do they want a “Calamity Jane”, but there is a desperate need for someone, somewhere to accept full responsibility when things go wrong. “I`m sorry”, is a good start.

THE 5 MOST IMPORTANT WORDS……… 

“You did a good job” 

Positive feedback and recognition are “endorphins for the soul”. Human beings thrive on them. In fact they can only thrive if they get enough of them, enough of the time. Unfortunately, there are still managers who subscribe to the old paradigm of, “Why should they be rewarded for doing a good job when that`s what they get paid to do?” These people clearly have no idea about human nature. It is this kind of blinkered , ignorant, one dimensional thinking that gets just the response it deserves, i.e. “minimalist employees”, who do just enough and no more. Positive recognition costs nothing and yet delivers so much.

THE 4 MOST IMPORTANT WORDS……. 

“What is your opinion?” 

Where there is no involvement, there is no commitment. How can we realistically expect employees to be committed to Mission Statements or corporate goals, etc. when the first they hear of them is when the senior management team descend from their “Ivory Towers” clutching their tablets of stone proclaiming, “This is where we are doing, this is where we are going. Now get to it!” These Mission Statements and goals are not those of the employees, they are the managers. They only become the employees when they have been involved in the process. The first stage of involvement is, “What do you think?” In addition, by asking people, you are giving them positive recognition, you are according them respect. They begin to feel valued. Being valued is one of the most profound desires of human beings.

THE 3 MOST IMPORTANT WORDS……. 

“Would you please…….?” 

Only in Her Majesty`s armed forces and services can you give orders and expect to get away with it. Ask, don`t order. How we communicate our requests determine how they are received. People generally want to be helpful, to feel useful (again it reinforces our primary need to be valued). If they feel as if you are requesting their help they will be only too pleased, but if it sounds like an order, they will do it grudgingly!

THE 2 MOST IMPORTANT WORDS…… 

“Thank you!” 

Without question, the most common complaint I hear when running management training courses is, “we don`t feel appreciated”, and, “a simple thank you would mean a lot”.

So simple, so obvious, so ignored. More often than not people don`t want lavish praise or over the top ceremonies. A simple, sincere “thank you” is often reward enough. Even more powerful would be a “thank you” note/card. Never be too busy to acknowledge people`s help or contribution. These are two little words that make a big difference.

THE 1 MOST IMPORTANT WORD…… 

“We” 

“We”, is a word that reflects teamwork, togetherness, unity, and should be liberally used in conjunction with success, achievements and celebration. The best leaders accept personal liability when things go wrong and acknowledge the team contribution when things go well. Any long term, enduring success can only come by working with people. As Stephen Covey points out in his “Maturity Continuum”:-

The three stages of maturity are 1. Dependence (as children we depend upon everyone else for all our needs), 2. Independence (when we can fend for ourselves and feel we are self sufficient), 3. Interdependence – this is the maturity to realise that we need others, and working together with others give us our greatest success. Remember, people will often do more for the “team” than they will ever do for themselves. Harness the power of “we”, and there will be very little you cannot achieve.  

What difference it could make in our families, businesses and relationships if we all committed to using these words on a more regular basis. What do you think?

Here`s something else to consider about the power of words:-

Inspiration vs. Desperation: The two keys to real change

The truth is when it comes to creating REAL change there are only two forces that really drive us:-

Inspired Action -  When something ignites such a powerful force inside you that you will do whatever it takes to succeed. You will overcome whatever obstacle is in your way - internal or external, in order to achieve your goal.
Desperate Action - When you get to the stage where you say, "That`s it. I`ve had enough. I`m not going to put up with this any more!"

It seems that for most people significant change only takes place when the pain of inaction becomes greater than the pain of taking action! Then, and only then will they begin to move forward.

If you really want to galvanise yourself you can combine both strategies. Visualise the long term pain  of not changing and at the same time get a very clear picture and feeling of the pleasure of achieving your goal.
(N.B. It`s important to associate extreme pain to inaction and the maintenance of the status quo and extreme pleasure to moving forward and attaining your goal).

It doesn`t matter which force drives you as long as you get the right result. It`s truly amazing what you can achieve when you have a big enough WHY. Here`s a brilliantly powerful and moving example.....

What would get you moving?