So, how was your 2012? Did you achieve your goals?Did you even set any goals? The beauty of this time of year is that it provides us with another clean sheet. Whatever has happened in the previous 12 months doesn`t matter any more. You can start afresh! Of course, any time is a good time to start over or change tack, but the beginning of a new year gives us a logical springboard. Most people are familiar with making New Year`s resolutions and most of us know they very often fail. In fact, statistically by January 15th, 95% of resolutions have already been broken! The difference between a resolution and goal setting is what goes into it. Setting goals isn`t just creating a "wish list" and "hoping" they will just happen. Goal setting is a skill that needs to be learned and mastered. There are many reasons why people fail to achieve their goals, one of which I highlighted in the last blog post. Dr. Maxwell Maltz in his ground breaking book, Psycho Cybernetics:-suggested 3 more- Insincerity Imprecision Incongruence Insincerity - Some people fall into the trap of setting goals they feel they "should" set, because of peer pressure and consequently are never really that committed to their achievement. They make a half- hearted attempt and then quickly give up when the going gets tough. Goals need to be uniquely personal to you. Imprecision - If a goal isn`t clearly defined and understood by the subconscious mechanism of the brain it will be very difficult to achieve. Any goal needs to stated with absolute clarity. in very specific, precise terms. Incongruence - This is probably the most common reason goal setting often fails for people. If the goal you seek is not in alignment with your values and self image, you will never achieve it. If you are a sales person for example, who historically has always performed at a certain level of sales per year and you wanted to double your sales volume and therefore your commission, you would need to work on your self image first, to ensure that you felt you were the kind of person who could do that. You can never consistently outperform the level of your own self image. In future posts I will get more into the mechanics of the goal setting process, but as long as you make a decision as to what you actually want and you are sincerely committed, precise and congruent, the most important thing is to conquer your fears and take ACTION! The time is now!
What stops most people achieving the success they are looking for? Why does traditional goal setting often not work for people? In many cases we are put off setting big goals because we can`t imagine ever achieving them. We are told to aim high and set big, audacious goals because they are inspirational, but then our rational minds often fail to visualise their accomplishment because they are too big! Has this happened to you? If so, use the simple strategy of taking small steps. Lao Tzu said, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with one small step".
In my management and personal development training programmes I often talk about the Japanese concept of "Kaizen" or continuous improvement, which uses small incremental steps to improvement, rather than expecting quantum leaps. Anyone can make small changes. If you make enough of them you achieve great things. Just do a little, and then do a little bit more.
When I ran my first (and coincidentally, my last!) marathon, I was completely spent by 23 miles. I had "hit the wall" and had nothing left in the tank. I couldn`t conceive of running a further 3 miles! But I could run to the next lamp post, and then the next tree and then the next street corner. By breaking it into manageable chunks in my mind I eventually completed the course.
Great success and achievement is often the bye product of small steps. Doing a little bit more. When you`ve done enough, do a little bit more. Go the extra mile, put in the extra degree of effort. This is what separates the winners and losers. The difference between winning and losing is often much smaller than you think. Break your big goal down into bite sized pieces. You`ll be amazed what you can achieve.
I was sipping a cappucino yesterday in Zurich airport reflecting on a presentation I had just given to the marketing department of a large global company. During the course of which I talked about being passionate about what you do. The talk was well received and everyone was very happy with the outcome and I got some very positive feedback. While waiting for my flight back to Heathrow it struck me that many people are locked into jobs and situations that they are not passionate about and that they don`t love. Henry David Thoreau once said, "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation". I feel extremely fortunate to do what I do. I love doing it and wouldn`t want to do anything else. I decided many years ago that I wasn`t going to spend my life following someone else`s dream and if I really wasn`t happy pursuing a career, then I would change it. I used to love teaching, right up to the point when I lost my love for it and the challenge dissipated. I then made the decision to leave teaching and pursue something that did challenge and fulfill me. The cynics would say that it`s not that easy to just change career paths just because you don`t like it. Who said it was easy? My belief is that you have one life. Think very carefully about how you want to live it. Why not ask discover what you are passionate about? What do you really love to do? Could you make a living pursuing that passion? Surely it`s worth asking the question? So, what is it that you feel passionate about? Maybe this video might help....
Yesterday I was running a Customer Service programme for a top healthcare company and I was talking about the importance of striving for excellence in what we do. I asked the group how many of them believed they were excellent in their roles within the organisation. Only a handful of people raised their hands. Of course, we have to factor in the British reserve and modesty, but it made me wonder how many of us have excellence as a goal in our lives. If you `re going to do a job for 5 days out of 7 and work for most of your life, doesn`t it make sense to strive to be excellent in what you do? You`ll get more job satisfaction, feel a sense of pride and possible make more money. So many of us are content to tolerate mediocrity. One of the delegates even suggested I lower my expectations so as not to be disappointed!! What do you think?
One of the fundamental prerequisites of living a life to the full is
actually turning up! As Woody Allen
famously said, "80
percent of success is just showing up".
I would add to that showing up on time. I recently needed
a plumbing job done in my house,
“I’ll come over at 11.00am”, said the plumber.
Needless to say, 11.00am came and went. No plumber and no phone call. After
chasing him for a couple of days,
“Sorry about that. I’ll be over tomorrow at
2.00pm”.
Guess what? No plumber and no phone call. Several
more phone messages later and still no response. Without giving all tradesmen a
bad name, what the hell is going on?? Is it just me asking too much?
I was running a Customer Service course for a
Health Care provider last week and was talking about the critical importance of
delivering products and services on time and yes, I admittedly had a little
rant at some people’s inability to be on time, when one of the delegates
accused me of “nitpicking”, while another said I should lower my expectations
so as not to be disappointed! Can you believe that?
Maybe it’s because of the work I do that I notice more
deficiencies? But I’m sure I’m not the only one who finds it totally
unacceptable. Why is it so difficult for people to be on time?
I was driving to Norwich to visit a friend at the
and I turned the radio on to hear,
“Stay with us after the news when we’ll be talking
about people who are always late….”
This should be interesting, I thought. Sure enough
the first caller exclaimed,
“Yes, I’m always late for everything! I drive my
husband mad!”
And what’s worse she said it with an element of
pride as if it was something to brag about. Clearly her loving husband was not
a priority in her life. This kind of issue can be a “deal breaker” in
relationships. I had a ex girlfriend who, no matter how much time we had to
prepare for an evening out, always contrived to be just a little late. I would
often be in the car waiting while she was still deciding which dress to wear!
Do you know people like this? It is as prevalent in
business relationships as social ones. You know the kind of people who say
they’ll get back to you and never do. They say they’ll ring you back and never
do. They say they’ll e mail you and never do. They fall into the category of
what I call “Flaky”. The kind of people you just know you can’t rely on.
Is it me being a nitpicker or is it hugely
disrespectful of people’s time to be late or not turn up at all?
One of the callers on the radio show said he had
asked one of his best friends to do a reading at his wedding. Guess what? He
missed the reading, I fact he was so late he missed the entire ceremony!
Your time is your most valuable commodity. Please
don’t let others waste it by keeping you endlessly waiting. The essence of
integrity in your social or business life is simple:-
Do what
you say you are going to do, when you say you are going to do it.
Is it just me? Please let me know if you have the
same experiences. (By the way, the plumber......... yep, still waiting.)
"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.
Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness."
Here are some interesting research on what makes us happy:-
Want to know how to be happy in life? Your genes and your upbringing have already done a lot of the work. But there's more to the story.
Is your happiness within your control? Is making the correct choices in life—choosing a spouse, a career, a lifestyle—the best way to be happy in life? Or is your level of happiness pretty much hardwired, a product of your genes and your childhood experience? We'd all like to know how to be happy in life, and there's more at stake than our psychological well-being. As positive psychology research has shown, happiness has an impact on our physical health, as well.
THE DETAILS: In the mid-’90s, social scientist Ed Diener, PhD, pointed to a mountain of research suggesting that people have a “set point” level of happiness that remains relatively stable throughout life, regardless of the events they experience or the choices they make. He cited the fact that most people’s characteristic level of happiness is only temporarily affected by life events. Whether someone wins the lottery or suffers a life-altering injury, within about a year, that person tends to revert back to his or her preexisting level of well-being. And identical twins raised by the same parents tend to be almost identical in how happy they are as adults, regardless of the choices they've made in life. When it comes to being a happy adult, genes and childhood experiences have a powerful influence. So, according to set point theory, the way to be happy in life is to pick your parents well, because it’s their genes and their parenting that ultimately predetermine how happy you’ll be throughout your life.
But this is not the way we like to think of ourselves. We have freedom. We believe that our life choices affect how happy we will be. We choose jobs, spouses, and lifestyles believing that making wise choices will make us happier. In the years since Diener’s research, psychologists have found there are many choices we make that really do impact our happiness. While they acknowledge the impact of genes and personality, they have found the life choices we make account for about 40% of our happiness.
This understanding fits with my experience. Every day, I see how the choices my clients make have an impact on their long-term happiness. When they embrace a healthy lifestyle, including daily exercise, their energy and happiness skyrocket. When they make a career move that allows more quality time with family and friends, their life becomes more fulfilling.
The world’s largest study to date of the long-term effect of life choices on happiness highlights that we really do have the ability to make ourselves happier. The research, published last year in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Science, involved 60,000 Germans between the ages of 25 and 64 who were surveyed periodically between 1984 to 2008. The researchers found that many of the participants became significantly more or less happy with their lives over the course of the study period. Although the evidence was gathered in only one country, previous research has indicated that levels of happiness found in one developed country almost invariably replicate in others.
The researchers looked at what specific life choices had the greatest impact on long-term happiness. They found that choices regarding life goals, religion, marital partners, work, exercise, and social participation all relate to future happiness.
Here’s how:
• People whose life goals focus on family and helping others tend to be happier than those whose priorities are primarily making money and career advancement.
• People whose spouses are emotionally healthy tend to be happier than those whose spouses are emotionally troubled.
• Respondents who work just about the number of hours a week they prefer, neither too many nor too few, tend to be happier than those who work too much or too little.
• People who go to church and exercise regularly tend to be happier than those who don’t.
• And finally, those with more social connections tend to be happier than those with fewer.
WHAT IT MEANS: OK, it’s empowering to know that the choices you make can substantially influence your long-term happiness. But beyond that, this research has implications for how we deal with sadness and depression. With rates of depression increasing dramatically in developing countries, there is a move toward seeing it as a chemical imbalance that should be treated with drugs. It’s important to realize that your mood is not only a product of biology and chemistry, and that life choices have a powerful impact on your mood and long-term happiness.
Here are some strategies to help you achieve long-term happiness.
• Marry well. If you haven’t yet tied the knot, take your time and make sure your partner is right for you. Studies show the best predictor of lasting marriages is the age at which the partners married. Those who wait a little longer are more likely to stay together. If your potential partner is troubled, don’t assume things will get better once you are married.
• Care for others. We all need to pay our bills, but if we focus too much on making money and getting ahead, we miss out on the joy of living. Caring for others, whether by doing volunteer and charity work, or being there when friends and family need your help, can be a great source of joy.
• Don’t overwork. Even if you have to work hard to make ends meet, give yourself a little time to smell the roses. Besides affecting your happiness, being a workaholic has an impact on your health.
• Exercise. Make regular aerobic exercise a part of your life. That includes not only planned exercise, such as walking, jogging, or hitting the gym, but also making sure you include some kind of physical activity in each day's routine.
• Go to church. The study didn’t separate religious beliefs from the benefits of spirituality and of being part of an organized group. But there does seem to be some connection between happiness and spiritual belief. Determine what nurtures your spiritual life, whether it's communing with nature, participating in religious rituals with a group, praying, meditating, or volunteering to help others.
• Socialize. Happy people have rich connections with friends and family. When you're going through tough times, having a social support network to lean on makes a big difference. Do what it takes to stay in touch with the people who are important to you.
"Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying."
If you were in the same situation today would you feel that regret too? I remember when I was at school a mentor of mine told me, "It`s important to cherish your friends they will always be there for you". I believed him then and I believe him now.
It`s often quoted that you can`t choose your family but you can choose your friends, and if you are very lucky (or deserving) you may have a handful of real friends. I`m not talking about acquaintances or "Facebook Friends" but people you would trust with your life. How many people do you know who would fit that category? The quality of your life can be measured by the quality of your relationships so it makes sense to devote some quality time to your friendships. The following article highlights just how critical these relationships can be:-
The Importance of Friendship
The causes of modern social problems, from divorce to homelessness and obesity, are often thought to be based in areas such as poverty, stress or unhappiness. But researchers suggest we are overlooking something crucial: friendship. It would appear that our society is ignoring its importance.
The philosopher Aristotle said, “In poverty and other misfortunes of life, true friends are a sure refuge. They keep the young out of mischief; they comfort and aid the old in their weakness, and they incite those in the prime of life to noble deeds.” Friendships are vital for wellbeing, but they take time to develop and can’t be artificially created. No wonder they are at risk of being neglected.
Nevertheless, the Gallup Organization’s director, Tom Rath, believes that we are all aware of the value of friendship especially during difficult times. In his book, Vital Friends: The People You Can’t Afford To Live Without, Rath makes the point that if you ask people why they became homeless, why their marriage failed or why they overeat, they often say it is because of the poor quality, or nonexistence, of friendships. They feel outcast or unloved.
Rath undertook a massive study of friendship, alongside several leading researchers. His work resulted in some surprising statistics: If your best friend eats healthily, you are five times more likely to have a healthy diet yourself. Married people say friendship is more than five times as important as physical intimacy within marriage. Those who say they have no real friends at work have only a one in 12 chance of feeling engaged in their job. Conversely, if you have a “best friend at work”, you are seven times more likely to feel engaged in your job.
The book was very well-received by the business world as well as by readers who could identify with the points made about these often unexplored relationships. On its release, Time magazine stated, “Let friendship ring. It might look like idle chatter, but when employees find friends at work, they feel connected to their jobs. Having a best friend at work is a strong predictor for being a happy and productive employee.”
The book recommends carrying out your own “friendship audit”, in order to recognize which of your friendships provide you with the different things you need, then to sharpen each friendship in line with its strength. Of course, it’s not always a good idea to judge friends in a detached way, or to doubt a friendship just because you can’t easily identify its rewards. The closest friends like each other for who they are in themselves, not for what they deliver. In fact, Aristotle made the point that it is better to give than to receive in friendship. Aristotle also believed that friendship can only arise indirectly, like happiness. It comes with living what he called a good life, including strong personal values such as honesty, character and passion. Our contemporary culture, for all its benefits, tends to focus more on commerce rather than to help us live Aristotle’s “good life”.
British writer Mark Vernon found support for this idea. He quotes the philosopher Epicurus, “The noble man is most involved with wisdom and friendship.” Oscar Wilde also emphasized the altruistic aspect of true friendship when he said, “Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend’s success.”
In his search for the essence of friendship, Vernon explored a variety of definitions from well-known personalities. For example, Ralph Emerson said, “A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere.” Vernon’s book, The Philosophy of Friendship, makes the point that we have now established that money does not buy happiness. He suggests that we take the lead from Aristotle, and spend at least a fifth of our time with our friends. “Is this not what children do in their persistent requests to play with their friends?” he asks.
Vernon writes that a close friend is a mirror of your own self, someone with whom you realize that, though autonomous, you are not alone. He adds that friendship is also important in politics because it “cultivates the virtues, such as creativity and compassion, which are essential to a flourishing society”. He concludes that if we cultivate friendship, we can “lift some of the burden from our apparently unhappy, isolated selves”.
Source: Jane Collingwood
What do you think? Do your friends enrich the quality of your life? Please leave a comment and let me know.
